theguycatcher

bye.bye.

2005-07-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

ife had enough o this blog.

goodbye blog.

il miss you.

i guess now i shld leave you t burn `nd die.

misses.

2005-07-03T01:05:00.000-07:00

im at someone's house now. [[: `nd thanks t that someone for everythingg. [[: uyevoli.

he's been real cool bout everything. patient `nd udstndin'. hopes his headache subsidess. perhaps he'll be in a better mood. yupp. we've had our tears `nd laughterss, sharin' o' our past `nd o' our futuree, admitt`d our fearss `nd yet bravely holdin' on to everythin' we alrdy share.

head`d t db fest tdy. [[: [[: `nd watch`d it al w alan, des `nd jiaming. jiaming's damn funnny pls!. [[: `nd they had free flow o' beer somemore. BOING. [[: oh wells. BEER SUCKS. pootsiee. who's lying pls!. `nd tha fest was funn ba. [[: we should have participat`d as well. poot. hmrpms. `nd SOMEONE out there refus`d t go support his school because why? SOMEBODY cldnt wake upp. or so he saidd. EVIL LA YOU PLS!. missess.

i din get a chance t open tha box tdyy. maybe im nt s'ppos`d t? hmmms. whatever la. fuckkie`!.

i intend t change mie blogskinn. poot. wunder when its gonna be done.

pausesss.

im slpy. poot.

`nd i miss rciy. i love you babesss `nd hunksss. missess`! . x)

2005-07-02T00:05:00.000-07:00
what tha hell? i swear he is mean la pls.
POOT YOU LA!.

j: its chinese dork, can you comprehend fully?

we were talkin bout jay chou's yi lu xiang bei song. yea `nd you were mean la pls!. i gt a fuckin' B4 fer my higher chinese pls!. POOOOOOT YOU.

but no worries. lovesss!. x))

aiights song. but read up tha lyricss.

`nd since yu sent me tha song... well hey, this song's for you.

narcissist freak.

2005-07-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

narcissist personality disorder.

i think im sufferin' frm that. everything's gotta be bout me, me `nd me. i want t be in charge o' my feelings. i wanna make myself feel this way. `nd i want myself t really feel this way. i need t let go. i want t let go. i want t be happier. i dnte want t hold on t what dusnt exist anymore. i want this. i need this. but i cant do it. i wanna change my feelings. i hate myself for feeling that way. but i can't control my feelings. i want t live tha way i want t. feel tha things i want t. own tha things i want t. everythings bout what i want. `nd i dnte ever give a damn bout others. yea. im selfish. im tryin' nt t be. but i dnte know hw.

ife realis`d some promises ought t be brokenn.

baby.its.al.because.o.yu.

2005-07-01T02:24:00.000-07:00

okae. i apologise for such an unsightly blog. pootsie. il change it soon. as long as i can think of new words t replace tha mean oness. any ideas anyone? ... hmmms.

i woke up at 12 plus tdy. loll. [[: its far by tha latest. set a new recordd fer myselff. loll. but yes, i was in a bad mood la. so excusee my previous entry. just need`d somewher t get al tha shieet downn.

anwys i townn`d w him tdy. shopp`d arnd. bought like a whole new set o' clothes. slipperss, skirtt `nd a mng top. [[: [[: [[: `nd we munch`d at NYDC. [[: [[: i swear i love shoppin' w him. [[: got him a beanieee. loll. he looksss superemely cutee in it. i think luh. ahhahas. yes, he looks cute w or wout it. yups. `nd then i had this awfull throbbin' headacheee. pootsifyin' i swearr. hmprhmms. but he carri`d me from tha busstopp t my house. well. on off thinggy luhs. but he's awfully sweet. [[: [[: thank yu monsieur for such a funn dayye. i guess it lift`d my spiritss. yupp. `nd thank yu fer takin' care o me. [[: you're sweet. lovess!.

had a talk w yu bout tha past. well, my past. yup. guess i learnt a lil more...
il never forget him. i guess no matter hw hard i try i cant. but i need t know if im o'er him. desperately. i do need t so i can be fair t yu. `nd also t satisfy my curiosity. t have some sorta answers towardss my questionss. it 'll be 2 years now, comin' 6th july. its been a long tyme. but he's still on my mind. `nd i know why -- these past monthss, ife nvr fac`d up t what ife alrdy lost. i had too many optionss. i chose t escape it. `nd it was plan perfecto; so flawless; only on tha surface. but yea, i forgot. that deep downn, id be alone, `nd al tha feelings wld just come back t me. so now i need t get past it. its tyme. i wanna go twards tha box `nd look into it. i wanna read al our letters once agn. i wanna see tha things we shar`d. i wanna smell backk tha candless that once fill`d my room w such a smell. i wanna look at our pictures one more tymee. `nd after al that i wanna know if i still am into him. if i still want him like i want`d him; need him like i need`d him. ... cause if i do; then baby, i gotta let yu go. its gonn' be tha only right thing. id nvr do this w anyone else. but yure different. `nd i dnte wanna get yu hurt even more than yull alrdy be.

yure different yu know. from them. yu ll nvr be just one o' em. `nd thats whyie maybe im willin' t ask yu t be there when i open tha box. i need yu. `nd i want that person t be next t me t be yu. please babyy, i gotta open it soon. ife only got till next fridayy, `nd if i still got him; i dnte want us t pass 2 monthss.

yudnteknowjusthwmuchyumeantmebabyitwasalbecauseoyu.

There's three things I like about the summertime
Drop tops, long hot nights and summer love
Yeah
Hey yo, B
Tell 'em what time it is
Let' s go

Out of all the guys that approached me
Walking up to me like they know me
You were the one that stayed aside
Waited a while and took your time
You don't know how impressing
Your curiousity was to me
It was the fourth day of July
Looked in my eyes and saw that I

I wanted more than just a man (man)
I needed a friend (I want a friend)
Someone I can talk to (oh)
Someone who'll really listen (yeah)
When you touched my hand (yeah yeah)
The sun got brighter then (brighter then)
Trusting you I closed my eyes
And felt our love begin

It was the summertime (when we fell in love)
It was the summertime (when heaven shined on us)
It was the summertime (baby there is nothing like the)
Summertime, summertime (ohh)

Now it's been a year and we're closer
Fall in love again when I hold ya
I know that God set you aside
For me and now you are my prize
Wanna grow old with ya
Fill a house with ya pictures
Have a son for you, a little girl for me
Together we'll raise a family

I wanted more then just a man
I needed a friend
You are my best friend (yeah)
Someone I could talk to
Someone who'll really listen (yeah)
When you touched my hand (yeah)
The sun got brighter then (brighter then)
Trusting you I closed my eyes
and felt our love begin

Yo let me holla at you for a sec
So what's in gonna be, him or me? (yeah)
We can cruise the world for pearls
And bare boots for girls
Summertime in the linen, fresh fruit
Livin the life that's forbidden for just you (let's go)
No worries you ain't gotta be stressed out
No hurries you ain't gotta be rushed out
Sit back relax ma take your time
Now have a taste of the finest wine
Every minute that we have's a blessing to me
And in your heart you's a "Child of Destiny" (that's right)
Them hot summers that we had especially
Love who you is girl, you bring out the best of me
And it's like that, you know it's like that (that's right)
And that's your plan, where's your hand let me ice that
You my heart ain't no chance you could fight that
The summertime, when you hot baby take that, take that
Yeah..

im.right.here.waitin'.

2005-06-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

i swear im piss`d. fuckk. blogspot suckss. i am angry. everythings suckss. fuckin' past. fuckin' present. fuckin' future. i should just fuckin' die. so someone out there should just fuckin' kill me.

fuckin' go bleed like me. i dnte give a damn what anyone does anymore. fine. go get laid. go smoke. go drink. go cut yourself. go commit suicide. go have an affair. go steal someone else s boyfriend. go play your gurll. WHATEVER. its none o' mie business. i dnte give a damn bout no body in this pussycock world anymore. fuckin' waste o' mie tyme.

JUST GO `ND DIE. AL O' YOU. SHOULD DIE LIKE ME.

---

[[ what do you do ;
when tha only person who can make you grin `nd get you off from bein' piss`d ;
is gone . forever . //

tha only tyme when i ever get t see you is in my dreams.
only then 'll i be held in your arms.
only then 'll you hold be close `nd never let me go.
only then 'll you say 'i love you' t me.
only then 'll you never push me away.

`nd then il wish i cld dream `nd never wake upp.

3 doors downnn.

.

2005-06-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

now i think i know hw eu* felt when readin' up. i feel. hmmms. i wnte say im fine when im not. but neither 'll i feel jealous. i guess i feel sorta saddd. perhaps maybe caus`d euve fac`d tha misery `nd then mov`d on while i on tha other hand simply brush`d tha misery aside never botherin' t even face 'em. `nd angry too cause now it al seems a lie. tha way i kept makin' mieself believe ife fac`d up t reality `nd mov`d on only t realise that i was makin' a lie up `nd believin' its a lie.

arghhs. whateverr. screw it al.

lyfe's a piece of pussycock phase. period.

poot.

2005-06-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

im feeling pootsifyi`d.

i cante wait fer tmr. [[:

`nd pootsifyably, sherman's partyy `nd farewell partyy lies on tha same day.

seriouslyy. smone pls tell mie how pootsifyin' can this werld get.

POOT. x

confessions of a lil gurll.

2005-06-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

slow down boy.

take it easy.

whats tha rush?

tyme is al ours t spend.

c'mon.

lets take one step at a tyme.

easy on it.

dnte yu know?

i need yu more.

i want yu more.

but

if we're gonna continue movin' too fast,

we're both not gonna last.

that is tha truth.

now

please

dnte doubt mie words.

2005-06-27T18:15:00.000-07:00

IMPT URGENT msg for al FREAKS ONLY. -- hey ya'll. meet up this wkend? get back yea? lovess!. missess`. [[:

msg for al rciy ol' gang `nd alan -- [[: thanks fer turnin' up on sat. hopes ya'll had a funn night. grinss. <3

msg fer val -- hey you!. booo. thanks fer your tipss. `nd do takkairs. [[:

mie cousin's gettin' marri`d end o this yr. [[: [[: `nd mie cousin in law was a nicey on sat. [[: [[: [[: yayyyyness!. her sister is gettin' marri`d in prolly 2 yrs tyme. follow`d by mie other cousinn. pootiess. everyone's gettin' marri`d.

now whens it mie turn t get marri`d!? POUTS!.

by tha wayyee - check out tha mtv of bonjovi's its al abt lovin' you. [[: [[: its ... nice. [[:

PLEASE DNTE TALK T MIE ABT CTs. POOTSIFYIN'.

i NEEEED trng t start soon. im growin' fat. poutss.

SHOPPIN' THIS WEKEND ANYONE? [[: [[: beamsss. <3

dnte.yu.know.i.l.yu.

2005-06-24T23:56:00.000-07:00

dnte know what t do luhs. i shldnt even have told him abt tha whole thing. im regrettin'. really i am. al i know is that i lost a friend. `nd that s al i can ever think abt now. wtf. im feelin' sad, confus`d, lost. am i doin' tha right thing? how re they both feelin' now? one's prolly thinkin' everythin's gonna be aiights from now on, but angry w mie. tha other prolly piss`d w mie like nobody's business, feelin' angry w himself.

yea. its always mie fault luhs. whatever luhs. just really frustrat`d w al thesee. everytyme there ll be any mess its always got t be clear`d up. so whyie make a mess outta it in tha first place. was i wrong? did i do anythin' wrong? i hate arguments `nd conflictss. i jush wanna escape frm this whole mess. I DIN START IT!. so whyie shld i end it? whyie am i even part o' it? i dnte like it. i wanna run away. run away from al these. yea.
I AM AN ESCAPIST!. so what re you gonna do bout me? what what what.

mie heart is yurs t fill or burst ;
t break or bury ;
even wear as jewellry ;
whicheverr yu prefer .

yea. mie heart's in a mess. its scatter`d everywhere. i cante even find tha pieces anymore. it feels like a part o' mie is missin' when yu're angry. then i rmb, yu have mie heart. baby, i dnte know what t do anymore. so yu re angry, so yu re gettin' back at mie. but yur anger s breakin' mie. someone said lettin' go is a way t say i love you. but baby, i dnte want yu t be jush another heartbreak on mie list. at mackerss jush noww. when yu were al piss`d `nd al; `nd i was pretendin' t slp when yu want`d t wake mie up. no, i wasnt even slpin'. i jush din yu t see tha tearss that fell. i din wan yu t feel sad as well. baby, dnte yu know? ife been tryin' t smile a facade for yu; but baby, do yu know too that it hurts so badd at tymess. but its aiights i guess. anything t see yu smile once agn.

its true aint it? that i make yu upset. is it mie? really tell mie tha truth now. i dnte want yu t keep playin' pretence anymore, always sayin' yu re fine; its not mie fault.

wld yu be a happier person w/out mie? wld yu? truth. if yu wld, il promise il try t forget us, close mie eyes `nd see yu walk away frm mie -- no matter what it takes or hw much it'l hurt.

dnte you know?
ilyumorethanyulleverbelieve.

---

dwi` -- hey you!. i just read your blog!. [[: hahhahs. `nd seriously you cheer`d mie up throughout luhs pls!. loll. whats w you!. you're hilariouss. hahhahs. [[: but its comfortin' t know things are acty goin' your way ehss. `nd no such thing as stop prayin'!. even if you dnte have anythin else you want, you can pray `nd thank Him for al you have. hahhahs, your computer was tough jobb ehss. but be satisfied luhs!. at least you din have t run w it!. loll. arww. `nd someone's gettin' a car. then a girl right? hahahs. send mie pictures mann!. POUT. `nd i want mie PRESSIES. POUTPOUT. hahhahas. il catch up w you soon ya!. takkairs! `nd al tha best fer your englishhh. poot. `nd your saxaphoneee. told you ages ago sax rawkss. dnte want listen right. POOT. hahhas.! <3 [[:

wake.upp.pls.

2005-06-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

mich` -- sry fer tha misudstndin' babe. stay hott. <3.>

stephh` -- hey sugarr, thankss fer tha tag. i know you took loadssss o' trouble doin' it upp. curse curse curse. hahhas. but you still did it. i do love you so muchhhhhhhh. [[: LOVEEEEEEES!. hahahhs. `nd do come o'er on sat night. w/out you everythings' gonna be oh so weird pls!. [[:

i din ask you t leave. t disappear. or anything like that. you chose to. sighh. im tir`d. i rlly am. yes, go ahead. al your spiteful hurtin' remarkss. im waitin' for more. i trust`d you mann. foolishh thing t have done. whateverr.

hate me. hurt me. break me. torment me. torture me. kill me. scar me.
`nd LOSE ME. FORGET ME. if that makes you happy. come on what else do you want me t do!? what do you expect me to do!? when YOU LEFT. w/out sayin' a word. you just walk`d right outta mie lyfe `nd left. now you suddenly appear back here `nd tell mie al o' what you told me that day. WHAT THA FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME T DO!? leave him `nd go w you? SERIOUSLY!.

all you think about is you you you. nobody else. nothing else. you dnte give no shieet bout how i feel!. did you? when you left? `nd suddenly came back. i have t follow what you want. i have t play your game. like how you want`d t leave, `nd you want`d t meet up. everything you initiat`d. did you even give me a chance? NO. I WONTE LET YOU HAVE YOUR WAYYE ANYMORE. I WNTE BE LEFT A VICTIM OF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES ANYMORE. you DNTE listen. you DNTE stop for awhile just t listen t me. or yourself for that matter. `nd even if you do, you go al tha way out t tha extreme.

maybe like whats happenin', we ve let go o' everything. but thats what we did 6 months ago. `nd guess what!. no matter hw hard you try t erase things, it aint gonna be that easy. feelings ll stiu remain. DNTE YOU GET IT? LL YOU EVER GET IT?

you say you dnte know what you want. GET THIS IN YOUR HEAD. you dnte know what you want because you want EVERYTHING `nd NOTHING. you wanna love but then agn, you dnte want t. you re afraid of tha consequences of your decisions. you re afraid of regretss. you re afraid of takin' riskss.

al your pretence 6 months ago rlly made mie believe you were such a guy. but did i leave because o' that? your flirtatious traits `nd attitudess. your actions. my godd. im stiu thankful i slapp`d you.

well now you wanna leave agn. take flight. go ahead. no fuckin' person is stoppin' you. why? because no fuckin' person can stop you!. you dnte hear anyone but your impulsive thoughts. thats al. `nd thats why maybe you regret so much. life isnt pushin' you t hate. YOU are pushin' yourself t hate. STOP BLAMIN' YOUR LIFE YOUR FATE OTHER PPLE OR KEEP THINKING YOU RE OH SO PITIFUL, INDULGIN' IN YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE, YOUR FEELING HELPLESS. WAKE UP! dnte you realise that you create your own fate?

you say you re always on your own. are you really always on your own? or do you keep t yourself so much that no one else can go t you `nd open you up. you choose t be on your own!. you dnte realise there re so many out there carin' for you whom you dnte even acknowledge. you re too blind thinkin' `nd only seein' yourself. when ll you ever take a step back t see this whole picture?

do you only see yourself? do you only think of yourself? do you only do what your impulsive thoughts caus`d by anger, hatr`d, pain lead you t do? do you? ask yourselff.

whatever it is, i still stick t mie wordss --
il always be here wherever you re. il still always be here. no matter what happens.

(((((((((((:

2005-06-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

STEPHH INVADES ! ((:

hellos.you tagboardis there ----> ((: if you wanna change the colour or smth drop me a msg yeahhs? i'll do it fer youu. anw I LOVE YOUU (:

<33`>

hw.long.

2005-06-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

hah. `nd im stiu thinkin' of al that happen`d. its so frustratin' when i know i cante do nth. drank til i got drunk. studi`d til i got so phark`d upp. ston`d til tha early morns. `nd tha play jush wnte stop. or maybe i chose t let it go on.

play. stop. rewind. replay.

mie mind's heavy. everything im doin'. am i really payin' full attention when i got a show t watch at tha back o' mie mind? when im watchin' mieself. `nd jush perhapss fill`d w regret? jush maybe.

go on. make mie wait. you are cruel. evil. mean. but il take 'em al. il wait. `nd if makin' mie wait makes you happy, well then i hope you always remain happy. il never forget you. you know? i still rmb how i got t know you. still remember tha so many arguments we had that i almost think its impossible tha feelins dnte fade. still remember your cig, your beerin'. its laughable now aint it.

fuck al thats been said. been sayin' so much. shld have come t realise thrs only so much i can do. that i dnte have much an effect on you. snaps fingerss. im aware o' hw i cant make you stay.

so you left. `nd i cant hold you back. jush be happy will you. be happy wherever you re, whatever youre doin'. be happy. thats tha most you can do it for me.

youfe carv`d your name somewhere within me.

Lately I've been trying

To fill up my days since you're gone.

The speed of love is blinding,

And I didn't know how to hold on.

My mind won't clear.

I'm out of tears.

My heart's got no room left inside.

How many dreams will end?

How long can I pretend?

How many times will love pass me by,

Until I find you again?

Will the arms of hope surround me?

Will time be a fairweather friend?

Should I call out to angels,

Or just drink myself sober again?

I can't hide, it's true.

I still burn for you.

Your memory just won't let me go.

How many dreams will end?

How long can I pretend?

How many times will love pass me by,

Until I find you again?

I'd hold you tighter,

Closer than ever before.

Yeah.

No flame would burn brighter,

If I could touch you once more,

Hold you once more.

How many dreams will end?

How long can I pretend?

How many times will love pass me by, until I find you again?

'till I find you again..

pple.cry.

2005-06-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

`nd now its al too late.

so i sit on tha floor, in an empty space.

al alone, i bury mie head in mie hands.

`nd i cry.

so silently -- youre too far t hear it.

so silently -- but its tha same way your heart breakss.

you.are.jush.too.late.again.

2005-06-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

YESTERDAY.

i met up w an ol' friend. 6 months since i last saw him. `nd a rush o' feelins fill`d mie. a whole aftnoon w him. `nd it stiu felt so hi `nd bye. al tha same. same story, diff pple. we ll always jush miss each other by a bit. jush a bit.

yu re always jush too late. you know that? jush a lil' bit too late. it doesn seem like our tyme ll ever come. maybe cause you'll jush always be yourself. `nd disappear. disappear for so long. so long i always almost think that you ve forgotten me. `nd then suddenly il read up bout mieself. its always so sudden; `nd its always too late.

sittin' side by side, a gap in between. thats hw it is like. so close yet so far. these six months. where were you when i was there al along. always suddenly appearin' `nd then disappearin'. you keep fadin' in `nd outta mie lyfe. `nd when i see you, theres jush so much i wanna say t you but i always find mieself strugglin' t find tha words t say. somehw always wonderin' whats right `nd whats wrong. `nd that gap in between -- its tha feelin' o' helplessness. dnte know what t do. its al so familiar. may have been six months. but nothing's chang`d. jush like yu said.

in mie head im speakin', in your heart youre hearin'. but you cant make out tha words im sayin'. perhaps its better that way.

`nd now youre off agn mr disappearin' man. i trust you. im jush gonna be missin' you for another 6 months. no more than that. because its mie call this tyme. but for now, goodbye. `nd take cares. please.

i went off. head`d t pool. `nd mie mind jush felt so heavy. thinkin' o' al that happen`d. its that kinda i wanna get rid o' al that thoughts. but im scared of forgettin' al those thoughts too. head`d t drink. `nd gt drunk. what did i say? i dnte recall. i only knew i was in safe hands. `nd i gt sent home. thank yu so much. for everything. i owe yu.

forever used t be so long. now it seems too short.
more than yull ever believe.

After some time I´ve finally made up my mind
she is the girl and I really want to make her mine
I´m searching everywhere to find her again
to tell her I love her
and I´m sorry ´bout the things I´ve done

I find her standing in front of the church
the only place in town where I didn´t search
She looks so happy in her wedding dress
but she´s crying while she´s saying this

Boy I´ve missed your kisses all the time but this is
twentyfive minutes too late
Though you travelled so far boy I´m sorry your are
twentyfive minutes too late

Against the wind I´m going home again
wishing me back to the time when we were more than friends
But still I see her in front of the church
the only place in town where I didn´t search
She looked so happy in her weddingdress
but she cryed while she was saying this

Boy I´ve missed your kisses all the time but this is
twentyfive minutes too late
Though you travelled so far boy I´m sorry your are
twentyfive minutes too late

Out in the streetsplaces where hungry hearts have nothing to eat
inside my head
still I can hear the words she said

Boy I´ve missed your kisses all the time but this is
twentyfive minutes too late
Though you travelled so far boy I´m sorry your are
twentyfive minutes too late

I can still hear her say.......

fuck.that.bitch.pls.

2005-06-19T00:36:00.000-07:00

that BITCH. i swear she is a bitch. i knew it right from tha start. hah!. al her pretence t be nice `nd al. well guess what. its turn`d its back on her. whatever. i hated her. i hate her. `nd i will continue hatin' her. stop spreadin' rumours bout mie when you do know thats its not true. `nd get this is your head. NOW. stop wastin' your tyme bloggin' bout hw others dnte like mie `nd al. its real dumb. i mean, im so grateful for you rememberin' mie. ahhas, as i see im like quite a hot topic in your blog. loll.!

okae. im aiights now. [[: THANK YOU LUCAS TOK!. lovessss!. [[: fer cheerin' mie up `nd lettin' mie see frm both angles. yea. i dnte rlly bother bout what you say anymore. i mean its al fuckin' rumourss. go ahead. spread al yu want. its super childish pls. ive got friends and they know mie best. yea. `nd they wnte get sway`d by whatever rumourss yu plac`d on yur stupid blog. no doubt i AM cursin' yu now. but no worries, il pray fer yu too. hope yu dnte stay this way for long. lollll. `nd like what lucas said, acty yes he got al the above knock`d into mie head. yesh. al yur rumourss have made mie more confident of mieself. thats so true. so like hey, yu re not bringin' mie down. stop tryin'. its real stupid. lolll.

i nvr stole his heart. NEVER.

fuzzy.wuzzy.

2005-06-16T01:49:00.000-07:00

ahahhas, im a happy girl!. [[: [[: [[: thanks to you!. its tha wuzzy fuzzy feelin' i got when i receiv`d your msg while muggin' jush now.

things should have been different. whyie 're you always jush a lil' late...... fate's still playin' you out. pout.

STOP PLAYIN!. IL BE V ANGRY. HMPRHMS. PLEASEEEE.

this is fer ROD --
takkairs ya. i dnte know whats you feelin' right now. jush, think that you'll find someone better. [[: i believe you will. you 're a great guy. move on strongly `nd you ll get a better girll. dnte think too much bout tha past anymoree. im sure she has her reasonss `nd perhaps He plac`d you thru this t make you learn more bout yourself. reflect `nd you ll get your answers. dnte let your faith in Him falter; hold strong t it. im sure He has smth else in store for you bro!. now, pls seek tha future. [[: conc on your comp `nd studiess. need a girl's advice, you got mie here fer you. lovess!. <3

this is for stephh` --
hey babyy. [[: you ll be leavin' fer thailand soon. hopin' thee 'll read this before gettin' t tha airport. yesh, il be sendin' you off but as you know these kindaa mushyy stuff better seen then saidd. or il be blushin' luhs pls!. lollll. anwys, you pls takkairs o yourself there uhss. [[: dnte talk t strangerss, dnte lose your stuffs, `nd most imptly, do NOT jaywalk. or elsee. loll. remember mie pressiess!. [[: woooo. hah; am gonna miss you lotsssa sugarplum fairiess sweetiee!. loveeeees! gu niangs uniteee. [[: <3

badd.gurll.

2005-06-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

actually, life's all about pretending. just like, pretending everything around you is perfect. pretending you have studied when you haven't. pretending you have a wonderful boyfriend when you hardly know him. pretending that you have loads of problems thats why you cut yourself. pretending to cry when you hardly feel anything. hmmm, now come to think of it, i wonder if its pretending or forcing.

i wonder if he remembers the past. i wonder if how he really feels about me. i wonder if i am as bad as he puts me to be. how about himself. aren't we almost the same? or does he keep thinking i'm the extreme. or maybe he tells himself he is the worst. so he gets to judge who's good or bad. hah. like satan. loll. you'll never know. everyone has secrets rights. so. they say one thing and mean another. how much truth is there in every sentence you say? how much exaggeration is there in every bittersweet remark that has been said? i did almost try. but sugarr, you played me. you had two. not the other way round. you could'nt stop thinking of him. i never led you on. you made me fall. then hey, im the bad guy now.

still, you are still etched in a part of my mind. that chapter is like a kind of mystery i have yet to solve. you know, like some kind of place i want to go back to. who knows maybe right now things would be different. you re like mie reflection. hah. insult to you? you think again. wasnt i dead jealous of her once? wished i was her. wished things wouldn't end that way? didn't i shed tears over you too? and walked back just to see you again. one last. last. how it hurt. did it hurt you too? or was i just another one of them. was i really a fling? we could have worked things out couldn't we. but guess we both chose to let things end.

now we ve ended. but while reflecting back to memories. i do feel sad. i know i do. do you? i wonder, do you even think of me too? at times?

you can't have forgotten me. people don't forget the bad stuff. and for this, i am glad i was remembered as the bad girl.

you're still on my mindd.

you.

2005-06-15T00:22:00.000-07:00

've gt alot of linkss on mie blog. but i only read a certain few pple's blogs. as in really only a few. one of which i have t respond t.

you can say al you want bout not carin'; nt wantin' t be tha victim agn. whateverr. deep down you stiu will. its part o you. its not smth where hey you wanna change; snaps fingers, thats it. you've chang`d. its nt like that, it ll nvr be like that. you treat`d thoughts of past as a subst of tha future. no logic. im glad you know. now what.

in mie lyfe i ve only had these few pple affectin' mie so.

ezra. amos. you.

yes laugh. think it a joke. whatever. suit yourself. that s always been your reaction hasnt it. you nvr thought things i said seriously. you nvr lik`d mie anyways. even as a friend. so you ll jush think this is another one o mie fuck`d up crap.

maybe he thought he nvr play`d a huge part o mie lyfe. lil' did he know hw he d come t make mie uds mieself so. t see things frm a ttly different angel. maybe things were nt s'ppos`d t be anythin' like what we d hope for. but whatever it is, whatever he thinks of mie, whatever things have happen`d btw us, im jush stiu real glad i know you.

love.

2005-06-13T21:32:00.000-07:00

those readin' this, yu gotta click onto tha june 2005 icon. i post`d two entries tdy.

i realis`d tdy that everyone has secrets of their own. likewise so do i. `nd i reveal`d one o em t someone tdy. i dnte know whyie i did that. i mean fer al i know that someone s been playin' mie al along and im stiu stuck blurr`d by everythin'. i was in tha cab when i msg`d that someone. `nd as i did slowly, painfully reveal mie dark past; tha tears fell. im nt sure whyie they did. al i know s im nt like everyone else. im different. 've always been tha black sheep wherever i am. `nd i realis`d that someone s tha first person i ever reveal`d mie secret t.

im sorry i nvr told yu sooner. i told yu only cush i din wanna hide anythin' frm yu. `nd i know i wld like t know yur secrets too. somedayy.

aft that someone gavee mie a hug tdy, i knew i had t be w that someone. he makes mie feel safe. he makes mie feel love. smth ive yet t receivee.

unsure.

2005-06-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

dnte wanna talk bout db nats. but yea, well done t everyone. [[: was a awesome sett. lovess. was thinkin' of meetin' up w some ol' friend. guess our scheduless jush din match upp. yea. oh wells.

i guess when yure in tha midst of thinkin' wher t go; who t go with. `nd yu cant decide. headin' t church is tha best. [[: i dunno. whyie i lovee RCIY so, maybe cush i feel want`d there, i feel love, family, safe. at least i know im gonna be mie. tha cheerful gurl. and not her. dnte wanna be her.

hah. it ll be 2 weeks tmr that i haven talk`d w mie mom. God bless her. hah.

`nd ezraa finally call`d! [[: ezraezraezra. double lovess!. [[: i miss himm!.

i guess t say i ve been outta tha past isnt rlly true. al i ve done is pretend t be outta tha past hopin' but failin' t get al o' em outta mie head. there re stiu so many unanswer`d questions i need tha answers t. so many things i ve yet t rlly let go. deep down, part o' mie is stiu there. there re stiu so many things i ve yet t try agn. things i wonte do in fear of a replay of tha past. `nd i only learnt this ytd. well well well. i wonder in fear what tha future holds fer mie. hw else is mie lyfe gonna be excitin'. i wish nth's gonna change; but knowin' mieselff; id be bettin' on tha dark horse.

i was s'ppos`d t meet him that day. now whyie was i lookin' so forward t it; whyie was i pretty disappoint`d when i cldn catch a glimpse o' him. arhhh. whateverr. forgettin' him; washin' tha memoriess away.
I WISH.

aftermathh.

2005-06-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

YESTERDAY.
we celebrat`d our one month ytd. i cant belive its only one month. it seems like agesss. even fabby, jannah and his gd friend were shock`d it was only a month. hehh. we met upp and head`d t harbour front fer our bruchh. SAKAEE!. [[: finally.
then we head`d t sentosaa. i haven been there fer yearss pls!. but nth much had chang`d. ooh, and i saw a sign -- LOOK OUT! MONITOR LIZARD CROSSING. loll. i burst out laughin' luh pls!. do they have t do that. hahahs. shld put like ants crossin' etc. LOLL. BUT i din take pic of tha sign!. SHIT. nvmss. we shall go back there one day. [[:
anwyss, met up w tha rciy peeps!. steph kevin rod luc and mie sis. hahahs. al sunbathin' and chillin'.
AND BOTH OF US SO SUPER SUAKU, TOOK THA TRAM AL THA WAY T THA OTHER BEACH T USE THA TOILET WHEN THERE WAS ONE RIGHT THERE FER US. i swear that s tha dumbestt thing ive ever done. POUT. yupps. got into our beachh wear!. and we went playin' w tha restt. [[: hilariousssss pls.... w luc arnd. goshh. yu ll nvr stop laughin'. ayyesss. miss melissa gt hungry agn pls!. so we went t eat SAKAE'S BUFFET. [[: which totally rawks luhs!. HAD MIE CHAWANMUSHI!. [[: shall go post tha pics soon. hahahhas. can see tha number of platess. woo. MR ALAN IS CRAZY I SWEAR. HE EATS ALOT PLS!. okae. enough. hmmms. and i start`d bein' narcissist agn. eat full full mush slp rights?
so we head`d t tha sandd. and fell aslp beside him. tha rest head`d t tha showers and luc was sorta doin' some rituall on us both. =// whats neww. loll. hmmms, tha rest went off leavin' us both there.
went back t tha seaa; took a swimm. and ALAN TRI`D T KILL HIMSELF. well. thats exaggeratin'; but its near tha truthh. i turn`d back wantin' t head t shore. next thing i knew i cldnt see anyone anywhere; and i start`d panickin'. and when i finally saw him. i swear i was freak`d outt. it was super high tide and dark and cold and i saw him out there tryin' t head t tha open sea. so i rush`d back in luhs. duhs. but got a lil' chok`d by tha SUPER SALTY WATERS. oh wells, i dnte wanna lose him so easilyy. <3. breeze =" 2">
anwys, i had a wonderfull tyme w him ytd. [[: he's tha one. i know it; tha feelin' aft amos left is finally eras`d w him arnd. finally. yupps. i <3 him. hahhas. [[: i gave him a brief and cookiess! which sayss... 'shy guy with a big dick'. loll. [[: and he likess it. i knoww it. muaa. hahahs. talkin' bout pressies, he hasnt given mie mine yet! .po ut. p out. pou t. sighss.

TODAY.
2nd last trng before db nats. im freak`d out. i swearr. mie first ever db comp; `nd tha feelin' is so much more than overwhelmin'. we ve been trng rlly hard tha past few months jush fer this comp. we gotta win NY. i swear we gotta. mush live up t tha seniors reputation; and give 'em a good silver medall as farewell pressie. we can't lose. like mie capt's nick -- 'losin' is not an option'. he's rightt. `nd one thing coach said bout tha comp, mush enjoy tha race if not yu'll nvr be able t performm. yupps. im nervous, excit`d, al kinds of mix`d emotions playin' in mie mind, mie heart. jush 3 more dayss. been waitin' so long fer this comp and its finally arrivin' soon -- very soon. JIA YOU BOATERSS!. [[: WE CAN DO IT; `ND WE WILL DO IT -- BRING BACK OUR SILVER MEDAL. [[: lovess.

met up w luc shuxian tim mie sis ada marcus t discuss tha fund raisin' stuff aft trng. i thot we were gonna meet up in church so al i wore was mie jersey `nd shorts, happily headin' outta tha house TILL......
"heys, wher s yu guys?"
"carrefour."
"aiights, see ya ll ther!. [[:"
reachin' suntec.
"hey, wher s yu?"
"oh, im nearin' suntec, be there in 5"
"we re at PS carrefour."
I SWEAR I WAS LIKE WTH!. .... ok, so i travell`d frm suntec t PS. `nd i was bein' star`d at luhs pls!. jersey and shorts t PS. and everyone was starin' at mie luhs. so had t play cool. loll. [[: manag`d t pull it off thou. [[: proud o mieselff. yupps. hopes things ll be aiights fer tha fund raisin'. scared bout it; im stiu uncertain if we can attain our aim`d amt of money fer RCIY05/06. oh wells. -prayss.

reflections.

2005-06-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BURFDAE MYRAA. [[:
i know i suck as a sister. always nt arnd fer u, brushin' u off, havin' late nights. jush hope u dnte turn outt like mie. jush hope SHE treats u alright and nice. i love you.

i havent been sayin' alot o' things out recentlyy. realis`d i keep bottlin' everythin' up insidee. so smtymes when you pple get a sudden outburstt frm mie; im sorry. its jush too overwhelmin' ya. n
ot sure whyie; maybe cause im too tir`d of tha same things happenin' o'er and o'er agn. before anythin' even starts, i seem t know tha outcome. and tha outcomes always suckk. it's borin'; but no one seems t be changin' anythin'. its as if they cant be bother`d. so whyie shld i be bother`d too right? i try; they dnte. whatever. sick o' it. bestie was right bout one thing last tyme. whats tha pt of bein' nice when they always play you out in tha endd. truee.
anyways, things dnte seem t be werkin' out fer mie latelyy. trng's al wrong; havent been hittin' tha bks; yea. and other stuff i guess. that i dnte wanna mentionn heree. jush that i feel things comin' t mie agn. tha same things. and im so tir`d of mentionin' or werkin' things out agn. i jush feel so sick of tryin' t werk things outt. call mie escapistt. suree. i won deny it. im too tir`d luhs yeaa. so excusee mie.
it happens when you always have such a bad feelin' -- when one dusnt say much and neither does the other. when you ask and you get an answer which you dnte know hw much you can believe. when both say things are ok; ll be ok when its clearly such a blatent lie.
tha worst is at tymes you rlly find yourself strugglin' w words t say t tha other. you wanna say smth; but both are equally confus`d w tha situation. yea, they say when there's an argument you solve it on tha spot. sometymes i dnte even know if there's an argument. pple are cold fer 5 min; and tha next 5 you're talkin' or at least tryin' t talk like norm. so you fake your way thru it; actin' alright. but deep down you know you cant erasee what happen`d.
if any of you pple think im talkin' bout you; yea sure. continue thinkin' that way. maybe you rlly are feelin' that way too. maybe we can try gettin' things clear; resolv`d.

im here w/out u baby ,
but ure stiu on mie lonely mind .
i think abt u baby ,
`nd i dream abt u al tha tyme .
im here w/out u baby ,
but ure stiu w me in mie dreams ;
`nd tonightt [boyy] ,
its only u `nd mie .

u made mie believe in u; i lov`d u, jush tha way u lov`d mie, or perhaps even more. i gave u mie al. but u threw 'em al away. tha same way i thought i cld. but no, im stiu stuck in btw. i learnt one thing thou...

al we had was nth but a short-liv`d fantasyy.

nvr.had.a.mother's.love.

2005-06-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

i haven't talk`d w her since we argu`d on tues, a day aft camp end`d.

whateverss. so what if they ve seen mie before? whyie tha fuck shld they care who i go out w or what i do when im out? what tha fuck do i have anythin' t do w em'? FUCK AL THOSE PPLE SPREADIN' WILD RUMOURSS. YOU PPLE SHLD JUST GO FUCK IN HELL. im jush a 17 yr old gurll who wants t live lyfe mie way. i dnte do drugs, dnte smoke; hardly drink anymore. i find mieself fuggin' decent. and who are they t judge mie? thanks alot for tellin' her things that s not true. and tha worst thing? she believes em'. well well. i swear we re nt rltd. go right on assumin' al kindsa crapp, callin' mie low, indecent. FUCK IT OFF.

biggest mistake you ever made was t have a daughter like mie. you've said that too many times.! IT DNTE HURT NO MORE. I DNTE CARE. call mie useless, stupid... pls, al im askin' fer now is NEVER EVER go arnd tellin' others you have 3 daughterss. thats fuckin' bull; have you ever treat`d mie like one? have you ever treat`d mie liek em'?

since young, i ve been beaten up by you, you callin' mie al sortsa shieet things. you left when i was in p2, you left when i was bullied, you left mie al alone t fend fer mieself. there was no one when i woke up, only saw daddy at nights. NO ONE ELSE. thanks t him im arnd, if nt id prolly been fuckin' dead by noww.

fuckin' things like ridin' a bike shld have been a fun family thing. but NO, i learnt it al by mieself. cause you left mie alone, had your 2 other daughters somewhere else in this world. you left mie behind. FUCK YOU. tha worst tymes of mie lyfe was when i was stiu a lil' gurl, beggin' fer your love, and dadde had t go overseass t work fer certain periodss of tyme. what you wld do t mie; i swear il nvr forget. its etch`d in mie memoriess. and i cant erase em' no matter hw hard i try.

if i ever thank you for anythin, THANKS FOR TAKIN' MIE CHILDHOOD FROM MIE, MAKIN' MIE HATE YOU; FOR MAKIN' MIE GO THRU THINGS MIESELF SINCE YOUNG; FOR LETTIN' MIE KNOW I CLD SURVIVE W/OUT YOUR FUCKIN' LOVE. im sorry, you didnt kill mie. you shld have done that before i was even born.

you push`d it too far. now i dnte even feel sad or hurt we re nt talkin'. i feel numb; in fact, im enjoyin' tha silence. its peacefull. i dnte see mieself w a mom. dnte think i ever had one. i us`d t try everythin' fer your love, but i nvr got anythin'. i dnte think il ever have a mom. you know what fears mie tha most? is growin' up and treatin' mie kids tha way you treat`d mie. you chose NOT t have a daughter like mie. DNTE ever forget that.

Reflections of your love have come to wither

I thought I'd done my best to memorize

A picture fades, of you and I together

I haven't come to terms with how we said goodbye

Did you really care

Care at all for me

Did you really care

Did you care at all for me

A displaced little girl wept years in silence

And whispered wishes you'd materialize

She pressed on night and day, to keep on living

And tried so many ways to keep her soul alive

Did you really care

Care enough for me

Did you really care

Did you care at all for me

If I'm not quite good enough

Or somehow undeserving of

A mother's love

You could've had the decency to give me up

Before you gave me life, oh

Don't you even care

Just the slightest little bit for me

Cause I really need to feel you care

Even once upon a time for me

I need to believe

In my heart of heart of hearts

You cared for me

I need to understand

Why you left me there so helplessly

Don't you even care

Care at all for me

Reflections of your love have come to wither

I thought I'd done my best to memorize

smokin.

2005-06-04T01:02:00.001-07:00

been wonderin' recently. why do people do certain things. like smoking. does it really give you a fufillin' feelin'? or do pple do it cause they feel good doin' it; they think it makes em look cool; be cool. whats more; smokin' affects pples' character, attitude. i cante stand guys who smoke, they make really bad kissers. and i feel pity for those gurls who smoke; its such a major turn off.

why does ezruhh affect mie so much? lots of pple have ask`d mie that alrdy. he smokes, blablabla. long list. hehhs. but i lurhfve him. he's one of tha guys i swear who means alot t mie. prolly wont talk fer ages; and suddenly eiither one of us ll get t the other. askin' hows lyfe and al. i rmb`d when i first found out bout him smokin', i was angry and disappoint`d. i tri`d alot t ask him t quit but in vainn. but his endless care and concern for mie, his non-stop encouragement t study well fer exams, his constant naggin' bout no smokin' and drinkin' too much ll always be up there in mie mind. i guess its tha knowledge that somone out there's takkin' care of yu. wants yu t be aiights. when i broke up w amos, he was always there fer mie. when mie grandma pass`d away, he was there fer mie too. when mie cousin left t aussie t study, he was there t comfort mie throughout that rough patch in mie life. all sudden 3 things happen`d and w/out him i swear i wldnt know what t do. mie beeg bro. i miss you bro.

friends play a major part in mie lyfe. and they are great influences t mie. one reason whyie i want`d yu t stop smokin' was so i wldnt start. but if i had t do so in order fer yu t stop, i wld. i swear i wld. now yu've stop`d; i hope its fer lyfe. [[: well done pal. yu've impress`d mie yet again. <3.>

yet ive got a certain friend who's been smokin' alot lately. hmmms. he wonte stop even if i ask him t. whether he reads this i have no idea. but al i wanna say is. quit it. whatever tha reason is, you know its jush excuses. its not healthy; she dusnt like it; makes your breath stink; and its super UN-cool pls. please stop. remember you us`d t be tha one who always motivat`d mie t put in mie best no matter what. you taught mie indirectly, tha meanin' of teamwork, t push mieslef t tha limits, t endure. you made mie find a stronger self within mie. but whats come t you now? smokin everytyme? hate seein' you this way. hate knowin' you doin' it more when she's not around. dont phunk w her heart.

i dnte smoke. and i hope whoever out there who smoke stop smokin' too. its bad fer your health pple. but even if you do, pls donte forget your friends who donte smoke. listen t their advice, even if yu've tried and failed, try again. try till you succeed. if others are willin' t believe in you, trust you'll succeed; maybe its high tyme you give yourself that chance too.

i believ`d in this special guy, he fail`d too, but he's pull`d thru. he's succeed`d. he wonte say it, but im sure he feels good and proud of himself that he's made it through. im proud of him. because he succeed`d but more because he gave himself a chance t challenge his greatest enemy -- himself; he took tha courage t try. im happy for yu baby; i swear i am. lovess.

past.and.present.

2005-06-02T00:45:00.000-07:00

i had t get outta tha house. tha tension was THAT bad. hehs. so i woke up, blogg`d, pack`d up and went out. head`d t src. miss that place. and al tha memories i had. stiu rmb amos and i gettin' in and out w/out gettin' caught. lookin' out frm tha barker lounge t tha padang; can jush imagine tha both of us under tha sky star gazin'. walkin' outta tha barker lounge; can stiu sense tha bitterness in our last goodbye, tha tears we both cried. i shld have known it was gonn' be tha last tyme id see him. our story seems t mie almost tha same as his story w her. and no matter what ill nvr replace her. jush like tha heart shape dollar note he has in his wallet; ive stiu got tha ring in mine. its jush a thing we've yet t let go. slowly, perhaps. but not jush yet.

yea. i guess when i enter`d tha lounge and tha memories floodin' back at mie, i decid`d t replay mie past. head`d t raffles city and walk`d everywhere alone. tha shops we us`d t go t; market place esp, where id get mie lime juice and yu, yur soursop juice. and yur sudden kisses outta nowhere aft our talks abt bluecheese. -grinss. sittin' arnd tha fountain, eatin, chillin. walkin' up, passin' tha OP shop, headin fer tha toy shop we us`d t go t, w tha coolest kiddy stuffs ever. and talks bout us gettin' em fer our kids. suddenly tha past seems so near mie. like it al happen`d jush ytd. strollin' outta tha shoppin centre, passin perlini silver. ... i stiu have al yu gave mie. but i stiu cant get mieself t open up that box -- our letters, our hand made gifts, our love...

i went for a swim, i thought yu. then i thought of him. expect`d yu t fill mie mind. but he overfill`d mie mind. his words of what wld happen when he goes ns kept repeatin' itself o'er and o'er agn. i tri`d t think of what wld happen. ever since yu left, i gave up on alot of beliefs i once had. but he's special. he's not like tha rest o em. perhaps yu both are similarr. im sure yu'll be happy for mie i found someone like him. others, i dnte think wld have been enough for yu. i <3>

i walk`d t tha bus stop t head home. but i din wanna go home.. i want`d t continue thinkin' of yu. took some weird bus that gt mie t some weird place. same feelin' i had when i took 196 t yur school. nt sure where id end up at, not sure where id be. but yu were there there at tha bus stop waitin' fer mie. but this tyme, i cldnt find anyone. he was msgin' mie thou. so i got off and head`d back. i guess he's tha one huh. [[:

baby, ilyu more than yu ll ever know.

40.kinds.of.feelins'.inside.of.mie.

2005-06-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

camp was funn; despite al tha mosquitoess. anwys, i lurhffve mie grp pple. OCEAN'S we ruleee!. [[: you guys rawkk!. <3
huijie.huiying.weimin.cheryl.hongrui.nadia.zhilong.melissa.terrance.hongboon.

i hate her. rlly i do. she makes mie do things i dnte wanna do. she screams fer no particular reason. she goes on n on. her threats, her desires. totaly against mie. i had t run away frm home ytd. plann`d t. till mie baby told mie t go home; and said that she stiu car`d. im nt too sure bout tt. bt mie phone was turn`d on and just nice dadde call`d. surprise. daddy din scold. i <3 mie dadde. he's damn nice pls!. and he came t fetch mie frm mie baby's house. and he din nag. al he did was ask whyie and went on t explain whyie she was angry.
have i chang`d t be somone they dnte know? or is it that im too tir`d of al tha rubbish and im finally showin em who i truly am? i hate her. hatin' her since i was young. stole mie childhood. fuckin' bitch.

had a talk w him ytd bout tha same thing. i dunno wht t do luhs. i only know if he keeps smokin' and all he's tryin' t kill himself. i hate knowin him doin' that. i donte wan him t do that. he ask`d mie if i trust`d him. what was i t say? yes? i tri`d. but he broke mie heart. and im gonn' have a hard tyme tryin' t trust him agn.
if sayin' sorry cld mend everythin'; i swear yu must be takin' mie for a fool. if promises are meant t be broken; then what e fuck does a promise mean? if hearts are meant t be broken; then whats tha point of fallin' in love?

yu had yur chance but yu miss`d it. here's a second chance; dnte let mie fingers slip out of yurs agn.

i.wanna.scream.

2005-05-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

he made mie breakfast this morn'. and he was super cute pls!. din wanna say anythin' and he ask`d if i want`d t go canteen but i rlly din feel like walkin'. then he smil`d tha shy smile and gt tha sandwich outta his bag. hahahas. super cute!. [[: thank yu.! i had a fulfillin' breakfast and recess tdy. yummy sandwiches w ham and omeltte w cheese. super sweet! and he woke up early jush t make mie breakfast. tell mie hw t nt <3>

i had a fun tyme rubbishin' w mie class peeps this aftnoon. [[: [[: and PW kills. i swear!. haahhas. fabian is damn funny la pls!. cannot stand him. hahhahas. i vadalis`d his hand tdy -- 'mel rawks [[:'. small small and he go vandalise mie hand beeg beeg!. 'bleed like me '. yup. i count`d. 18 red lines down. ahhahs. david too!. he's mean la pls!. he's been pinchin' mie cheeks like no one's business. GRRRR. and jush cush he's mie stepbro dusnt mean he can bully mie!. hahahs, and i want`d t kiss him tdy. i swear i donte know whyieee. hahhahhas. it'll nvr happen agn mann. loll!.

ooh! fabby and ben were bein' nice pple t stay behind and wait fer HIM t finish his lessons. hahahas. and he was actin' shy in front of em pls!. haahhahs. n i gt kiss`d. LOLL. [[:

anwys, was tellin' him bout david and fabby. and he was givin' that act angry face. -rolls eyes!. hahahhs. says mush ask fer his permission first. -shakes head. mie goodness. hahhahahs.

anwys, mie baby girl is sick!. izzah--pls takkairs of yurself sweetieee. LURHFVESSSS. muaa.

and ive been msgin' STEPH since last night. i swear she's damn funny and cute and outta point luhs pls!. [[: hahahahs. i miss her and tha balls. LOLL!. sweetie pie honeyyy lurhfveee`. I LOVE YOU STEPH!.

i want`d t say those 3 words t yu. but i cldnt find tha right tyme t say it.

yu.hurt.mie.

2005-05-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

hw cld an angel break mie heart

whyie din he catch mie fallin' star

i wish i din wish so hard

maybe i wish`d our love apart

hw cld an angel break mie heart

Back in the days
When I was younger
I wasn't afraid
Of giving my heart to you
Now and again
I get sentimental
But I know it's just a phase I'm going through
And every time I start to slip
I just remind myself
I need only think of it
I went through so much hell
You say ya wanna get things back
The way they used to be
Can you give one good reason
Why I should darlin'

Why should I care
Why should I care for you (X3)

Back in the days
I shoulda been wiser
But what can I say
I shoulda been onto you
But I was afraid
That you'd break my heart in two
Fate would have it that you broke it anyway baby
And every time I close my eyes
I just remind myself
You told about a million lies
You put my heart through hell
And now you wanna get with me
Just for old time sakes
Well I am not about to make that same mistake

Why should I care
Why should I care for you (X3)

You see a girl that you gave all your love
I see a girl you took advantage of
You see a girl that you cannot forget
Tell me why

Why should I care
Why should I care for you (X3)

Back in the days when I was young
I wasn't afraid to love
Back in the days
You were the one what was I thinking of
Back in the days
Shoulda been wiser
Shoulda been onto you
But I was afraid I made a mistake
No one knows

we.grow.t.sin.

2005-05-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

yesterdayy.

had kayak coursee. everyone clap!. mel gt her one star course cert. [[: but only aft obtainin' loadsa injuries pls!. mie right shoulder and elbow are jushh screw`d. and ive gt blueblack on mie headd!. grrr. gt hit by paddle!. sad plss.

daddy was damn nice t mie luhs!. I <3 DADDEEE!. [[:

finish`d early; so decid`d t go b fer college dayy. BORING PLS!. i was practically slpin' luhs!. loll. waste of mie tymee. poutpoutpout.

anwys, went out w him t poppye fer dnner. coleslaw there rawks. REALLY. [[: head`d t his house wait`d fer him t changee. was goin' down t catch soccer match near mie place. and i swear he's damn thick skin pls!. LOLL!. at 0030h he msg`d mie askin' if he cld come over. and made al sorts of excuses sayin' he cldnt go home blablablabla. in e end yes, mr thick skin slept over. its damn crazy pls!. we were talkin' till bout 0145h outside mie house then decid`d t dash into mie house fer a drink in order nt t wake eric upp. LOLL. mission fail`d but at least we din get caught by anyone. it was damn funn night luhs!. but i cldnt get muchh slp thou. neither cld he. i swear he rawkss. we had some whisper`d conversations; things i guess we'd both seldom say on any normall dayy. well, whatever it was, it did bring us closer tgt. and he left at 0550h in tha mornin. <3>

today.

RCIY pple rawk pls!. lolll. anwys, yeaa. we had new sign ups tdy. [[: [[: and i had mac fer breakfast again!. lolll. i swear STEPH canNOT jay walk luhs!. loll. NO MORE JAY WALKIN FER STEPH!. grr. totally scared tha shit outta mie luhs. almost gt hit by a car. anwys, tha mac guy gave both of us LOADSA balloooons!. WOOOOOO!. he's a niceeyy. [[: ooh, we head`d t get glitter pens and bouncy balls and settl`d at steph's house t deco tha stuffs w kevin's phone as our radioooo. ahhhs. i swearr i was damn tir`d pls!. so al of us fell aslp on tha playgrnd. HAHAHA. WE WERE BEIN' STAR`D AT BY EVERY SANE PERSON THERE LUHS!. lollll.

met upp w mr alan and we head`d t tha movies. I WENT T ORCHARD! [[: <3.>

mihevoli_

cantebelieveimgonn'wearaskirttseehimtmr.......-desperadolookk.=//

we grow t sin

i.<3.him.

2005-05-20T23:01:00.000-07:00

yesterday .
he went al tha way t tm after school jush t get starbucks fer mie cush i kept complainin' i was sufferin' frm starbucks withdrawal syndromes. and cush he knew i was in a pretty crap mood frm lit and econs test. he rawks. i swear he rawks. <3.

today.
finally al mie tests have end`d. finally im feelin' light.
and i gt t see tha laselle fashion show booklet. LASELLE RAWKS PLS!. [[: really. fashion designin' rawkss too pls!. [[:
he is tha ultimate one. [[: cook`d fer mie lunch tdy. thou it wasnt some huge major great nice lunch, i swear i cld taste tha sincerity and love plac`d in tha noodles. it was tha most delicious lunch ive tast`d tha whole of this yr. [[: thank yu. and he's super sweet!. tha last piece of fish finger thingy and he want`d t give mie but kept tellin' him t have it since i finish`d mie noodles. but what made him mie ultimate one and only is that he halv`d tha piece so we cld both have a share. i totally <3 him.
trng is rlly tirin'. grr. perserverance, determination and endurancee. I LL MAKE IT THRU THIS!. [[: wooooooo. i loveeee al tha yr1 boatie gurllmatess!. you babess rawkkk!. sexxyysss.
i want`d t tell him what i msg`d him tdy after trng. but i guess; i dunno. tha timin' jush happen`d t pass. so i msg`d him. [[: im happy. i really am. thank YU.
celebrat`d luc's burfdaeee tdy aft meetin' in churchh. [[: hopes he does well in his Os. cante wait fer RCIY t start agn pls!. so funn!. and ill be able t make it t tha first session of RCIY!. FINALLY.. i loveeee you peepss tons of chocolatelickin'strawberriess. [[:

-hopes they go m'sia. hopehopehope. =/ im not sure anymore if i wanna stay here by mieselff. there s tha weird indian guy!. i swearr i dnte wanna stay home aloneee!. ...... -poutss. and hope mr nicey ll be stayin' w mie.

anwys, i msg`d eu* ytd and tdy; and eu* stiu amaze mie; tha tears eu* manage t get out frm mie; tha feelin's eu* stiu cleanly perservere. i tri`d t ferget eu*. i swear i did try. but eu*re stiu puttin' out strongly. tell mie hw t stop thinkin' of eu*. please.

i love this song. its for YU.

WHITNEY:
Dame un beso para siempre

ENRIQUE:
Over and over I look in your eyes
You are all I desire
You have captured me
I want to hold you
I want to be close to you
I never want to let go

WHITNEY:
I wish that this night would never end
I need to know

CHORUS (together):
Could I hold you for a lifetime
Could I look into your eyes
Could I have this night to share this night together
Could I hold you close beside me
Could I hold you for all time
Could I, could I, could I have this kiss forever

WHITNEY:
Over and over I've dreamed of this night
Now you´re here by my side
You are next to me (You are next to me)
I want to hold you and touch you and taste you
And make you want no one but me
I wish that this kiss could never end
Oh baby please

CHORUS:
Could I hold you for a lifetime
Could I look into your eyes
Could I have this night to share this night together
Un beso para siempre
(Enrique), Para siempre
(Whitney) Could I hold you close beside me
Could I hold you for all time
Could I, could I, could I have this kiss forever

BRIDGE(together)
I don´t want any night to go by
Without you by my side
I just want all my days
Spent being next to you Lived for just loving you
And baby, oh by the way

CHORUS:
Sólo, sólo un beso, un beso para siempre
(Enrique) Para siempre
(Whitney) Dame un beso para siempre
(Enrique) Para siempre
(Whitney) Could I have this kiss forever
Could I have this kiss forever

; lost .

2005-05-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

I found myself today
Oh, I found myself and ran away
But something pulled me back
Voice of reason, I forgot I had
All I know, is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it’s written in the sky tonight

[chorus]
So I won’t give up
No, I won’t break down
Sooner than it seems, life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I’m standing in the dark, I’ll still believe
Someone’s watching over me

I’ve seen that ray of light
And it’s shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I won’t be afraid
To follow everywhere it’s taking me
All I know is
Yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment, to my dreams

[chorus]

It doesn’t matter what people say
And it doesn’t matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself
And you’ll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart

[chorus]

yeps, euve* finally found eur* special somone and i wish eu* al tha best. [[: lurhfves, friend.

eull.always.be.in.mie.mind.

2005-05-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

i told yu i wldnt be goin' t sch tdy. yesh. daddy agreed t nt let mie t sch aft i had another case of fever late at night plus a bad case of stomach cramps this morn. yupp. his jacket was in tha washin' so i slpt w mie billabong jacket. yup.

i forgot hw cosy it felt inside. tossin' and turnin' but once i put it on, i fell aslp. i forgot tha love plac`d inside tha jacket when it was given t mie. i forgot tha warmth it brought t mie heart. i forgot tha tears shed on it when tha pain was too much t bear. i forgot tha laughter when i first receiv`d tha jacket. i forgot tha smiles it brought whenever i fell aslp in it. al i rmb`d was tha hurt i felt when i left tha jacket in one corner nt touchin' it agn aft [eu*] left. i dnte know whyie its easier rmb tha meanies than tha niceys. anwys, i guess that chapter's clos`d. aft so long. i think of [eu*]; i do. but i guess it'll die off one day. happy for eu* huhs. well, there [eu*] have it. ill acheive [eur*] aim for [eu*]. one day. someday.

pls forgive mie; i know nt what t do.
dnte deny mie; this pain im goin' thru.
pls forgive mie; if i need [eu*] like i do.
believe mie; every word i say is true.

[eu*] will always be in mie prayers.

i.l.yu.

2005-05-16T22:38:00.000-07:00

i guess i uds now --

mie heart wonte break ;

it wasnt even whole t start with .

i watch`d yu fall ;

i heard yu cry every night in yur slp .

i was so blind then ;

yu shld have known better than t yearn for mie .

i nvr saw yur pain ;

but now i'm cryin' in tha middle of tha night ,

for knowin' i had caus`d yu pain .

because of yu ,

i nvr stray too far frm tha sidewalks .

because of yu ,

im now on tha safe side -- unharm`d .

because of yu ,

i try mie hardest t forget everythin' .

because of yu ,

im asham`d of mie empty life .

because of yu ,

i am afraid --

of yu lettin' go ;

cause yu made mie heart whole .

silly thing, just us two standin' in tha middle of tha road. but i was afraid t cross over t yur side where it was safe, where yu were standin', shoutin' t mie t cross over, so yu cld hold mie hand, take care of mie. so yu took tha first step, and walk`d over; holdin' mie hand, yu pull`d mie twards yu. and yu drew mie into yur arms. i felt security, protection, love.

yu made mie heart whole agn ` _________

i.swear.im.sickk.

2005-05-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

im sick. yesh. fever plus headache plus an evill sunburn. and im getting black soon. as black as mr alan pls!. poutt. i dnte wanna be blackk. and i dnte wanna be sick. but i am. and tha stupid panadol doenst help one bit!. grrr.

and 05A06, tell mie im great. im acty goin' t school tmr cush of yu guys sea carnival. yes. so let me know im great pls. i need some laughter at times of sicknesss. im sadd.

but mie offday is on tues. i swear ill see tha doc, get an mc and stay at home. hmms. i hope he'll bring mie t tha doc thou. dnte wanna go alone...

and im forbidden t come home alone at night anymore. daddy says theres this crazy mad indian guy out there. fuckkkk. IM NOT GOIN' T STAY HOME ALONE IF THEY AL GO T KL PLS!. dnte wan dnte wannnnnn. i hope that mie speciall someone's gonna come stay over. [[: [[:

and i owe mr alan an apology pls. im sorry mr alan!. for bein' quitee crappy, but i was sick. and im sorry mr alan. again. fer a reason which yull only know if yu read thastuffsinyourcomunderyourfilename.

<3 mie pple. im sick. and i need <3.

its.yu.

2005-05-14T23:41:00.000-07:00

okae. i owe pple burfdae wishes. so here goessss.....
HAPPY BELAT`D BURFDAE CHRISTINA! .
yesh, i lurhfveee you gurlll!. [[:
HAPPY BELAT`D BURFDAE WESLEY! .
hopes you get your dream gurll. ;)
HAPPY BURFDAE DESMOND! .
wooooooo. im not latee!. -beamssss.

aiights. there. im happy. [[: hahhahas. realis`d that as you grow older, your money gets lesser because you know more people and thus you have t buy more pressies for more pple. grrr.

anwyss. its a sat tdy. which means its mie studee day. and guess what!. I POST`D MY FIRST REPLY T MS LAM'S FORUM!. okae pple. clap all you want. [[[[[[[: -bowsss. ahhahahs.

i went t starbucks w him t study tdy. its cold i swearr. brr. but i had some nice cold chocalate coffee thinggee. hmmms, i have no idea what it is. and i had nice nasi lemak in tha morn for breakfastt!. he brought me there.... he was late too!. grrr. hahahhas. [[: ooh. head`d t his place t watch mie ytd's 9pm showw. SADD ENDING LUHS PLS!. and its SO FAKE PLS!. everyone die here die there. sadist freak director! . POUTPOUTPOUT. ooh. i was slpy. i was super slpy. hhahahs. so i was slping in the bus on the way t his house. and so was he. ahhahas. i swear i bet others thought we were two cutiess. hahahahs. damn dumb luhs pls!. every stop we'd open our eyes blur blur, shift up onto our seats, look at each other then go back t slp. hahahhas. funny pple. hahahs. [[:

i swear i have no idea why i cri`d tdy. yu ask but i rlly dunno hw t answer. i dunno it mieselff. ponderss. i just. felt. hmmms. alot of things suddenly. too much? dunnos. -leavingstuffsinyurcomputerunderyurfilename- it was empty till yu came t fill it up. <3.

all i know was that when he saw mie tears, he just kept quiet, pulled mie close, and held mie tight for a very long tyme.

i.donte.know.who.i.am

2005-05-11T23:50:00.000-07:00

i try. i swear i try. but you keep getting t mie. i hate you. yes, i HATE you. you keep overpowerin' mie thoughts, floodin' mie mind, drowin' mie soul. what do you want from mie!. im screamin' silently, why can't you hear mie. pls save mie frm her. pls someone, pls do. i cante keep livin' this wayy; its gettin' t mie day by day. when she goes away, i swear i hope she nvr comes backk. i hope i pray i do all i can. but she's there. she's everywhere i go. laughin', mockin' at mie in a corner, then she comes out when im alone and taunts mie; i can only hear her voice. see her smirks, feel her touchh. her red bloddy cutss. im strugglin'.

I am taking you over to the dark side
Rock n' roll

I'd like you to meet
The other side of me
Gotta getcha, gotta getcha, gotta getcha

When it's time to rock
She's a celebrity
Gotta getcha, gotta getcha, gotta getcha

I got you, I got you
And now she's got me

She drowns me out
When I shout
I'm so overpowered
I cannot hide
From the opposite side
When she takes me over

Flip the switch
Makes me split into insanity
Gotta getcha, gotta getcha, gotta getcha

Out of control
Shocking like electricity
Gotta getcha, gotta getcha, gotta getcha

I got you, I got you
And now she's got me

She drowns me out
When I shout
I'm so overpowered
I cannot hide
From the opposite side
When she takes me over

seein' her fall. lookin' at her ownn fate suddenly disappearin' frm her. i jush stand at one corner and look. no, i dnte do anythin' t her. mind gamess. i dnte even touch her!. she's listenin' t mie. mie words are temptin', seducin'. actions are perfectt. and she's not gonna escape frm em'. alone. no matter who keeps tellin' her she's not. she'll always be alone. she's a weaklin'. and she'll nvr be able t resist mie. yesh, im irresistablee.

832770325546403696043703223; 366092662053370344484640927094840697353.

[[:

2005-05-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

went t alan's house tdy t visit himm. he din go t school tdy cush he's SICK. lolll. i told dadde and he was like " huh!. so beeg size also can be sick uhs!. " LOL!. seriously dad... hahahahs. anwys, yeaa. i had an AWESOME tyme being narcissist!. i kept takin' pics of miself mieslef and mieself. okae. A FEW PICS OF HIM. jush a FEW. hahhahas. [[: yayy!. i lurhfveee takin' pics of mieself. yesh, im a self-proclaim`d narcissist and im not asham`d t admit that. hahahas. [[: thanks alann fer yur cameraa! arwws. acty yu shld be thankin' mie, it aint so bland now that its fill`d w mie pictures. ohh, DONTE be distract`d by em thou. hahhahas. -winkksss.

ahhs. im sorry t mie bestie*______! i din mean t miss yur call! i rlly din knoww. sorry. and i hope yu cheer up! anythin can come find mie! muahhhs. <3 yu!.

hey, this is for YOU.

I can call him mine
It was only a matter of time
Before I got tired of your ways
I tried to make you fire,
But you were only ice
And you didn’t seem to wanna change

So then I looked at someone new
And he was looking back at me too
Saw that I was hurt
Knew just what to say
Knew just how to push the pain away
You know I need stability
And you know you can’t give it to me

Chorus
My sun may never rise the way it did with you,
And he may never kiss me the way that you’d do
But at least he makes me feel like a part of his life
At least he doesn’t make me cry
I know I can call him mine

Though when I call him on the phone
I never feel butterflies
I know that I can trust
He’ll always give me love
And I know mine will grow for him in time

He tells me that I’m beautiful
[And I never ever heard that from you]
He doesn’t cause me pain
Tears falling like the rain
And though I’m still in love with you
You know I need stability

(Chorus)

It wasn’t easy letting go [but I know that I had to think of the long run and say goodbye]
And find someone who appreciates me even though even though…..
My sun may never rise the way it did with you
And he may never ever kiss me the way that you’d do, that you’d do…

(Chorus)

I know I can call him mine

"when there is sugar, there are ants. when there are mirrors, there is melissa." yeps, i stiu rmb eu* said that. i wonder hw eure* doin'. hopes things are fine over there. yupps. takkairs always.

and t jos -- i really cante believe i said id ask fer permission if i want`d t drink. loll. and i dnte smoke!. i swearrr. im a good girll. loll. takkairs uh bro. and msg o'er once in awhile; lemme know yure stiu livin'.

takkairss.

2005-05-09T21:39:00.000-07:00

alan, i hope yu get well soon. [[: had funn w tha shoppin and tha dinner. pls takkairs of yurselff. -hugss.

confus`d.

2005-05-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

YESTERDAY --

HAPPY BURFDAE EUGENE! . [[:

sports day. 05A06 , yu gurlls rawk. [[: we ran our 12by100. din win thoughh. but it was a good race. help`d t bring us closer tgt. -hugss yu gurlls!. was in a quiet mood thou, and i went t find mie bestie*______, who end`d up bringin' mie t tha piano and playinn' his newly compos`d piece. [[: SUPER NICE PLS!. hahahhas. he rawkkkks. ayyes. i alwayss melt in mie emtionss whenever he starts playinn' tha piano. and it really cheer`d mie up loadss. thanks bro!. muahs. SOMEONE kindaa piss`d mie off in tha morn. keep thingss t himselff. lying. i was angry.

anwys, went t airport w THAT SOMEONE for lunch at poppyee. guess i din noe hw t tell him i was piss`d. but thingss gt better i guess. = ahhs. coleslaw there rawks pls!. totally. and i was super full and cold pls!. brr.... while going home we saw a lil gurll bout 4 on tha train!. super cute pls!. ahhhs. can fall in lurhfve w her. hahahhas. reminds mie of mie mischievous childhood days. hahahs. tha funnies thing was she kept lookin' over at him!. hahahas. then cover her face w her two lil' hands. hahahas. super adorable pls!. din know he cld attract lil' gurlls too. hahha. heart throb.

went back t school fer song fest. super nice pls!. [[: saw mie class babes!. woahh. HOT STUFF PLS!. totally pweetiee gurlss. -beamss. hahas. and he went w mie too. hahahs. funny. -grinss.

makan`d w him aft that at swensens. [[: yummy!. COIT TOWER RAWKS PLS!. ahahah. and seein' him cut his fish and chips; drink his soup. hahahhas. super gentle pls!. lollll!. damn funny!. imagine seein' a punk do smth like that. hahahhas. [[: he's tha first guy i know w table manners. [[: head`d t tha beachh. jush lay on tha grass lookin at tha stars and chill`d. loll. and i manag`d t fall aslp pls!.

want`d t open up t him; tell him alot of things bout hw i was feelin' and al. but smthing draw`d mie back frm doin' so. dnte uds whyie im nt lashin' out stuff i ought to, or feelins completely new t mie. i wanna talk t him. bt i know if i start, go on and on and on; he'll stiu keep quiet. says dusnt know hw t express himself? i know i cant be w someone like that. bad experience. donte wanna hav t go thru it agn.

last night i gave up. but aft hw tha diff emotions play`d mie this aftnoon. im left d`sufnoc.

ytd nights, i thot it was e end of a beautiful story; so i left tha one i lov`d at home t be alone. i know better now; and ive had a change of heart.

love.izzah.

2005-05-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BURFDAE GORDON!. [[:

hopes yur dreamms all come truee. hugss.

I WENT OUT W IZZAH TDY!. [[: i lovee mie babyy!. muahh gurll!. ahhs, we spent ages at T.A.B. and din buy anythinn. guess we kindaa piss`d tha sales gurll. and we walk`d t tm t cs t tm t cs again and again. loll. and i gt mieselff eyelashh curlerr w mascaraa!. wooohooooo!. mel felt rich tdy yu see. ahhhs. richly in love w izzahh! ahhahhas. and mel was bein' a nice lil gurlll tdy. she went all tha way aft school t tampines sports hall t pass her big bro his ARTS fac tee so he wldnt have t change tee tmr. ahhhhhs. anwys, he's gt some frenzyy w pinchinn' mie cheeks these few dayss. but overall he's stiu a niceyy.. thanks bro. -hugsss. dnte worry too muchh bout ur matchh. ive gt confidence in yu!.

yayyY! i cante wait fer tmr!. gonna head t izzah's house b4 songfest starts t dress up!. izzahh rawkss!. yehh. we were walkinn' nonstop luhs!. till i had t head t churchh. ahhhhs. she's suchh a darlinkk. totally in love w her!. muamuamua.

and i saw rachel in church! surprise surprise!. we go t tha same churchh!. cooooool. she's looks so diff w her hair pinn`d up mann. so guaii. cldnt recognise her at first.... -pondersss.

and mie eyess are stiu hurtinn. whyie do they keep hurtinn'. ]]: pls mr eyes, pls dnte hurt....

there's so much more t be written here. i jushh dnte feel like revealinn' anythinn' right now. désolé il a semblé je vous ai joué. im sorry.

i see you there,
n i smile with sadness,
den I cry for my smile.

i feel my heart tear apart,
n I laugh with pain,
but I scream at my laugh.

da tears burn my face,
so I hide from myself,
reminding me Im there.

my wounds glare at me,
scaring me blind,
so I hide them with more.

da blood freezes hard,
staining my soul,
so I cant escape.

this confuses me,
the mixture of muddles,
which they call my mind.

flirting, loving, hurting,
flying dropping crying,
smiling, living, dying.

i wake from my dream,
i live for my life,
but die from living.

2005-05-04T23:33:00.000-07:00

IM HUNGRY..... grr...

I JUSH WOKE UP. been slpin since 9. and im miss`d mie chinese show!. poutpoutpout. was jush tir`d. and guess what!. i slept in mie room w mie aircon on!. [[: and i was sooo tir`d, i jush slept on mie bed, which as usualll was in a mess. i CANNOT believee i cld find space to slp on!. [[: [[: mel rawkksssss. wooohoooooo! anwys, tha air con was 17 fan 3. and yesh. i was super shiverin' pls!. in tha end woke up half way t use tha blue billabongg jackett as a blankiee!. but it was stiu coldd. so i took mie lil' childhood blankiee t usee!. [[: [[: ahhhhs. i miss mie blankieeeee. hahhahas. but im a happy gurll noww. cush i had nice stuff t accompanyy to slp!. yayyyy!.

BUT SOMEONE HAD T CALL AND WAKE MIE UP AGN!. ...... but its aiights. it was a nicey. not a meanie. [[: and i woke up w 2 unread msgs frm a niceyy too!. [[: [[: yayyyaayyyyayyyyy!.

ahhhs. IZZAH FORGOT T GIVE MIE BACK MIE PW STUFF! . grrrr. poutpoutpout. now ill have t impromptu some crapp up.... ......... ]]:

AND ROW GT NICEE ORANGE AASICS SHORTS! I NEED T GO T PS FER THA AASICS CLEARANCE SALE PLS!. MSG MIE ANYONE WHO WANTS HEAD DOWN W MIE!. [[: muamuamua.

been thinkinn', maybe i shld go back t GPS on fri aft sports day. does any nicey wanna head backk w mie? [[: [[:

anwyss, ive jush realis`d that i strain`d mie thigh muscless agn. so ARTS SIXERSS ... im sooo sorry pls!. jushh hopee by fri it'll be aiights. [[: then we can runn our 12X100m. and i din aggravate tha pain!. i swearr i din. see ya'll sch tomorrowww....

i thot aft givin' him tha postyss this morn, that after readin' em things wld all change. i wrote all bout hw i truly felt. and it somehw made mie feel vulnerable. like i was tellin' him exactly hw i felt. and so he cld do anythinn' he want`d. but he prov`d mie wrong.

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is gonna to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
under the sunlight
welcome to this place
i'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the [girl] I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take [him] by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I'll show you everything
Oh yeah
With arms wide open
Wide open

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open

With Arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything

With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything oh yeah
With arms wide open
wide open

bliss.

2005-05-04T00:02:00.000-07:00

there!. im in a crankyy mood. DONTE ASK WHYIE. mie eyes hurt pls!. they've been hurtin' since this mornin'. and whether or not i cried ytd donte matter at all!. -POUT. i mean it. -snarlss. so donte keep askin'!. RAHHHHHS!. yesh. and im realisin' that mie eye bags are bad. as in B-A-D. -sulkss. not nice not nice!!. plus mie bad hair day tdy!. i bet pple on tha train thot i was some fuckinn' silly mad lil' gurll. hahhhhs.

BUT I SAT W HIM THIS MORNING ON THA BUS!. woooooohooooo!. [[: suchaa cute dudee. hahahahs. yesh, and only YU will know who im talkinn' abt. IT WASNT ON PURPOSE PLS!. i was jush tryinn' t get some air conn. -beammss!.

ok. whats wrong w pple these days!. -roarsss. cante they read mie deahh friendster profile!. i wrote t add mie! NOT t msg mie t add em!. SIMPLE CLEAR CUT ENGLISH!. seriousllY!. pple these dayys... -shakes head and smirkss. faggorts w great excusess.

i feel like drinking starbucks now. ..... [[:

ooh!. and i fast`d tdy. so yesh, mell` was runnin' a shitty 400m intervalss. arhsss....

ALAN JUSH WROTE MIE ONE TESTIMONIAL!. woooo.... hahhahas. thanks fer bein' mr niceyy fer tdy!. [[: what cann i sayy. im jush a nice person w nice friends like him!. -beamss. AND HURRY FIND A DAY T TAKE OUR HOTT PIC!. [[: and i wanna go get mie piercinn' done luhs!. poutpoutpout. whyiie am i waitinnnn.... lalala. mr alan shld be happy tdy that i treat`d him to kaya waffle and orea ice shakee. [[: but he shar`d his honeydew sago w mie!. hahahs. and it turn`d outta be not a bad dessert. ayyes. alann shld call mie noww. alan shld call mie noww.. CALLL CALLL CALLLL!. okae thatts it. yu're nt callin'. hmprhhms. .... okae. i shall be nice tdy, since he's so nice to mie. i shall call him. [[: yesh.

anwys, like i said. im tha greatest!. woohooooo!. there. PROOF. CLEAR CUT PROOF. [[:

※°ăℌŷŞś°※×+·.·´¯`·<»Kïþ H¤€«>·´¯`·.·+. Hey OG15 let plan the may bash party.let party oh and ppl start preparing my bdae list yea says:
hehz mel ur the greeeeeeeeeeeeeeattessssssst hahahz

Doesn't it ever stay
Must it always fade away
Couldn't love ever be
Something tangible and real
Farewell, fairweather friend
Abandonment returns to taunt me again

I only wanted you to stay

Linger and mean the words you said
Foolishly I romanticized
Someone was saving my life
For the first time

I only wanted you to be there when I
Opened up my eyes
I was caught in your masquerade
Wish I'd stayed beneath my veil
But it just seemed so easy to
Open up myself to you
Once more into the wind
The embers scatter
And the chill settles in

talk.to.mie.

2005-05-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

i went t tha airport t studyy w him tdy. surprise surprise! we both manag`d t get stuff done. [[: so i guess its aiights t study w him agn. hahahas. bt he keeps fallin' aslp!. gr... so tir`d stiu went t drink ytd nights. guyss. ... and we kept buyin poppyeee. hmpms. they ran outta coleslaw!. POUTPOUTPOUT!. and we saw quite a number of pple he recognis`d. smth i donte uds is hw he dusnt mind lettin' others see us tgt. we aren't even tgt. and he shld be w someone his type. yea, he shld. smtymes i wish i cld read his mindd. whats he thinkin of? i wish he'd start bloggin' agn. then at least i'd know whats going on. i dnte know whyie i jush keep wishinn' he'd lemme go. ive had funn tymes w him. its sadd he's t be tha one who comes aft al tha shit and tha crap thats happen`d. i believe. but i dnte trust what i believe.

tell mie what youre feeling right now. tell mie what youre thinking of. tell mie what you want mie to know. tell mie what you think i shld know. tell mie all of what i should know. tell mie all about you. tell mie all about mie. tell mie stuff. pls tell mie stuff. dnte keep anything from mie. whyie re yu bein so discreet? whyie wonte you admit things that are true? pls dnte hide anything. pls tell mie. TALK TO MIE. ... yu have t talk to mie. yu have t be clear w mie. yu have to. if yu cante then dnte even start half way and end it suddenly.

yu love mie but yu dnte know who i am so let mie go.

one more kiss could be the best thing
one more lie could be the worst
and all these thoughts are never resting
and you're not something i deserve

in my head there's only you now
this world falls on me
in this world, there's real and make believe
this seems real to me

you love me, but you dont know who i am
i'm torn between this life i lead
and where i stand
you love me, but you don't know who i am
so let me go
let me go

i dream we head to what i hope for
and i turn my back on loving you
how could this love be a good thing
when i know what i'm going through

in my head there's only you now
this world falls on me
in this world, there's real and make believe
this seems real to me

you love me, but you dont know who i am
i'm torn between this life i lead
and where i stand
you love me, but you dont know who i am
so let me go, just let me go

no matter how hard i try
i cant escape these things inside
i know, i know
but all the pieces fall apart
you will be the only one who knows
who knows

you love me, but you dont know who i am
i'm torn between this life i lead
and where i stand,
you love me, but you don't know who i am
so let me go
just let me go

you love me, but you dont
you love me, but you dont
you love me, but you dont know who i am
you love me, but you dont
you love me, but you dont
you love me, but you dont know me...

mie.first.puff.

2005-05-01T23:41:00.000-07:00

i had mie first puff tdy. those of yu who know wut i mean; will know what i mean. and those of yu who think yu know what i mean; well hey, think agn. yesh.

he rawks. beeg tyme. esp jush noww. nvr fails t amaze mie hw he has fuggin' alot of tyme. to keep sayin' he's hot. to keep mie company and his friends. at tha same tyme. a guy w totally alot of tyme sia. and he's at tha beach noww drinkinn' away w his friends. tell mie bout it pls!. totally J E A L O U S!. beeg tyme. grr. ayyes. yu total bully!. whole day blaminn mie fer his stupiddityy and lameness. -rolls eyes!. anwys, wudevar that happen`d jush now will only be fer tdy!. i tell eu i was high!. .... i swear!. gr...

and i made up w jos!. [[: i am a happy gurll. and i am happy fer yu. we've both mov`d on w lyfe. and we're now both happy pple!. HAPPY PPLE RAWK PLS!. -beamss.

and i lurfhvee mie cousin ling!. yesh babe. i love yu!. muamuamua. and ill listen t eur advice. promise!. shushh bout anythin i know eu know and only both of us luhs. hugss.

super burnt tdy!. was rowin since 10. hot chic in townn luhs!. in kallang basin too!. loll!. anwys shall have t start studyinn' tmr agnn!. cante wait fer song fest. loll. friday is sports day too!. double hysterical laughter. WAY TO GO 05A06!. [[: woohoooooo.

and if ever there is one thing i learnt; its that some conflicts btw two associations can nvr ever be resolv`d. someone shld have told mie that at tha start of tha yr. then i'd have NVR said yes t YOU.

boy i was wrong.

2005-04-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

NOW SOMEONE, PLS TELL MIE WHYIE I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN READING YOUR EMAIL. MAYBE CAUSE I ALREADY KNEW WHAT THE CONTENT WOULD BE? I DON'T KNOW. I OPENED IT UP AND I IMMEDIATELY CLOSED IT. AS MUCH AS YOU DON'T CARE. WELL LOOK HERE, NEITHER DO I. SO PLS, DON'T BOTHER. AND HERE'S ANOTHER SMTH. THERE WAS NO ANGEL. THERE IS NO ANGEL. AND THERE WILL NEVER EVER BE ANOTHER ANGEL. I'LL LET YOU KNOW THIS FIRST. SO YOU WON'T EVER WASTE YOUR TIME AGAIN WAITING FOR THAT ANGEL. AND IM SORRY IF I WAST`D YOUR TIME. WHATS WORSE, IS THAT THA BOY KEPT THINKING HE WAS LOOKING AFTER THE ANGEL. BUT GUESS WHAT. HE LEFT THE ANGEL ALONE. THATS WHY SHE FLED, AND GOT HIT. AND NOW SHE'S SOMEWHERE IN HEAVEN. AND THA BOY? I WONDER HOW HIS LIFE HIS RIGHT NOW. FORGET IT BOY. IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE.

on' //

2005-04-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BURFDAE TERRY-BOY! [[:

there. he shld be happy now. [[: hopes all his wishess come true. and he finally finds THA GURL. hahhaas. [[: and hope he wakes upp frm bein' superrrrr flirtyy!. -squrim`d up facee.

right. done w tha happy stuff.

i had a bad day today. yups. someone was tellin' mie smth bout him. there's no more us. bt there was that someone who was askin' mie bout him. i thot id let things go off ages ago. i said id forget him. id said even forgettin' tha memories. but yea. what that someone said was buggin' mie tha whole day. and i really cldnt get stuff straight durin math test. and i was tearin' in tha toilet. yeh. mel's a beeg dummie.

but smhw i was thinkin' of him. tha extremely silly expression on his face when he sings and pretends to strum tha guitar; his beeg major ego; tha way he smiles; his laughter; his voice; tha way he acts shy. and yeh, there's stiu loads more.

i try. i swear i do. everytyme we're both in tha room, and tha feelings start gettin' overwhelmin'. id jush leave tha room regardless of hw badly id rather stay in there.

was it mie? did i let him go? did i make him go? ... yea. i do miss him at times. hwd it al end... mie heart. he play`d w it til it broke.

and yes. mie math test was a beeg drape. i think im dead`d.

its super hot these few days pls!. -pouts. pouts. pouts.

i had a talk w dwi. talk. sounds oh so nice. i argue`d w him. i guess that's tha end of things. yup. i doubt ill ever meet him anytyme soon. call mie whatever names he would say. place all of em on his nick. donte care bout mie? well sure. whatever. anything. when did he ever care anyways? he jush left like that. jush tellin mie right in tha early mornings that he had to leave. woah. and i cldnt do no shit bout anything. yes. whatever. and when i took an interest in another somone all he wld do was name mie tha bad points. well thank you. appreciate it.

but hey, like you said. it's mie life. and i write mie story. you tell mie bout tha sandal story. well guess what. i think you shld apply it to yourself first. talkin bout your clubbin trips? how cool. go ahead. i shldn have thot anythin of that. i was wrong. and you know what? you fell in love w tha 6 yr old girl. not w this 17 yr old gurl. you're livin in tha past. move on. she's all grown up now. and youll nvr love her agn. she's not 6 anymore. it's tyme you mov`d on too.

tha night you told mie you wldnt care. i block`d. and i delet`d you off mie contact list. yu din wanna care right? ill let it be easy for you by doin' tha exact as what you're doing. well hey! guess what? tha next day, our friendship band was dropp`d off mie ankle. yea. i was stiu wearin it. till that day. it disappear`d. it was gone. and when i realis`d it. i was frantic. at first. but i guess it dusnt really matter anymore. i donte care too. jush takkair of yourself.

im glad that despite all tha crap; i stiu gotta friend in you. jush that you were a meanie tdy pls!. you tried __o__n'. and i didnt. and you said we'd try __o__n' at tha same tyme!. -poutpoutpout. you owe mie!. meanie meanie meanie. and i din give yu yur posty tdy. so i was a meanie too. but yur meaness was far worse than mine!. -poutpoutpout. lemme try __o__n' too k? plsplsplsplspls.

MEL NEEDS A BEER PLS!.

2005-04-26T23:25:00.000-07:00

yea. sure. donte care bout mie. go ahead.

IM CONFUSED PLS!. REALLY REALLY CONFUSED.

ling, pls takkair of yourself. mann. i cante do anythin to help cush you donte wanna say anything. fuck. youre jush like mie luhs. i miss you luhs. and i cante even care for you thou i want to. desperately. pls be okaee. pls smile. -hugss. babyy, jush call mie if you need anythingg. pls pls takkair... i love you cousinnn. ]]:

maybe im jush a cheap slut to you . i donte know . i only know eur actions are so . crude. respect mie .

]]:

2005-04-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

i see you almost everyday. but tdy happen`d to be tha day when al tha feelings rush`d back. i stiu think of YOU. i do. i stiu miss YOU. i do. yeah. its tha guy i gave mr ballie baldie to. i miss YOU.

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
Cause I can’t breathe, no I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside anymore

i din mean to do ___. it jush happen`d. really. wuta fuckin` liar. let go let go let go... you dnte know mie. let mie go...

DWI IM SAD PLS!. IM REALLY REALLY SAD.

whoooppiee`____________

2005-04-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

guess where i am now!!.....

ALAN'S HOUSE PLS!. WHOOOOPIEE!.

while tha rest of mie dearrr classmates are in school w chinese. hahahahhas. YAYYY!!.

okok, report : alan and morgan are both playin PS. -poutss. so they are leaving mie alone. cush soccer is sooooooooooooo BORING!. -sulkss. ahhhs. and im supposed to be doing mie GP. hmmms, soon... soon... and there's DANCE FEST TONIGHT.................................... ahhhhss. i cante waitt. hahahhahas. i dunno whyiee. its funn!. but choir is mean!. they donte let mie bestiee*___ outta choir and go fer dance fest. -RAHHSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

> smtymess, i do miss you. alot. i keep thinking of you before i slp. and ill say a lil' prayer fer you. i hope you do finish upp your sch stuff, i hope you always smile, i hope you train hard fer your competitions, i hope you are never lonely. takkairs boii. youll always have a place in mie <3.

When I was just a little girl
My momma used to tuck me into bed and she read me a story
It always was about a Princess in distress
And how a guy would save her and end up with the glory
I'd lie in bed and think about the person that I wanted to be
Then one day I realized the fairy tale life wasn't for me

(Chorus)
I don't wanna be like Cinderella
Sittin' in a dark old dusty cellar
Waiting for somebody, to come and set me free
I don't wanna be like Snow White waiting
For a handsome prince to come and save me
On a horse of white, unless we're riding side by side
Don't want to depend on no one else
I'd rather rescue myself just a little girl

Someday I'm gonna find someone who wants my soul, heart and mind
Who's not afraid to show that he loves me
Somebody who will understand I'm happy just the way I am
Don't need nobody taking care of me
I will be there for him just as long as he will be there for me
When I give myself then it has got to be an equal thing

(Chorus)

I can slay my own dragon
I can dream my own dreams
My knight in shining armour is me
So I'm gonna set me free

(Chorus)

[[:

2005-04-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

he dnte make mie feel excit`d. he dnte make tha butterflies in mie tummy. he dnte make mie wanna see him o'er and o'er agn. he dnte make mie wanna trust him. he dnte make mie happy. he dnte make mie feel im tha only gurll in tha werld. but hey, you know. at least he makes mie feel like im part`o his lyife.

-shrugss.

and i totally din fall aslp durin econs lect. jush now. 3 cheers fer mell`!.

IM DYING FOR THA RALPH LAUREN SCENT PLS!.

yesh, i shall drag dadde to shoppin' w mie soon!. [[: -beamss. thats fer mie baptism pressie!.

and to save money fer mie eyeshadoww!. and mie lippy!. [[: [[: -double beams.

and dwi, im fine. im okae!. ill call you soon when i get mie stupidd meaniee werk done!. got heats this week too. pray fer mie ya. [[: lurhfve you!.

gurll in tha mirror.

2005-04-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

wrong. mel shldnt haf gone out w him tdy. bad decision. now im left al confus`d. i jush wanna be mie. damn. whyie's it so fuckinn' diff to even do that. i wish`d he'd jush keep al of those 'secrets' to himself. what went wrong w mie jush now. i dnte even uds whyie i did al i did. but hey, im glad i told him straight. i jush wish i din know him. i duno luhs.

DWI I MISS YOU!. ARGHS!. ITS STIU AL YOUR FAULT. IF YOU WERE HERE RIGHT NOW NTH WLD BE HAPPENING. COME BACK SOON. PLEASE....... IT'S JUSH SO NOT WERKING OUT FER MIE.

i dunno. mel's jush lost luhs. i miss guan cheng thou we're in tha same school. i miss dwi thou i talk to him reall oftenn. i really need you guyss right noww. smhw, amongst al tha friends there are out thereee... you guys are stiu tha bestestts...

hey mel; this is fer you. cheer up baby... so you'll see a happy gurll in tha mirror...

There's a girl in my mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did

[Bridge]
There's a story in her eyes
Lullabies and goodbyes
When she's looking back at me
I can tell her heart is broken, easily

'Cause the girl in my mirror is cryin' tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her to make her feel alright
Oh, the girl in my mirror is cryin' 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
Something I could do

If I could, I would tell her
Not to be afraid
The pain that's she feeling
The sense of loneliness will fade

So dry your tears and rest assured
Love will find you like before
When she's looking back at me
I know nothing really works that easily

[Chorus]
'Cause the girl in my mirror is cryin' tonight
And there's nothing I can tell her to make her feel alright
Oh, the girl in my mirror is cryin' 'cause of you
And I wish there was something
I wish there was something

Oh, I wish there was something I could do
I can't believe it's what I see
That the girl in the mirror
The girl in the mirror is me

I can't believe what I see, no, oh
Oh, the girl in my mirror
The girl in my mirror, is me
Oh, is me

[Chorus]

i.jush.wanna.cry.

2005-04-15T00:18:00.000-07:00

lurfhve begins w a smile ; increases w a kiss ; ends w a tear.

ran mie 4 by 400 heats tdy. saw him jush b4 mie run. totally spoilt mie mood. frm focuss`d, concentratin' t sm super mess`d up, hay-wir`d thots. and i rmb`d all bout him. rmb`d sittin' up there w him. rmb`d our truth game. it all came back t mie. and tha memories al start`d buildin' up. srisly, i rlly wundar whyie im so affect`d by him. it was jush a whole waste of mie tyme, effort. really. i feel really cheat`d. like tha whole thing was one beeg joke. and this tyme guess what, i was tha clown not him. totally.

but how could we not know what we've got till it's gone...i miss you so much i gotta let you know i'v been crying since tha day you went away.

hey 05A06 gurlls!. [[: you babes really hit it off tdy!. great jobb ya'll for tha heats!. continue stayinn pretty and smileeyy!. LURFHVE YOU GURLSS!. -muahhhhhhhhhh.

i stiu rmb him sayin i ran fast tdy. i stiu rmb his smile and his voice runnin thru mie head. its jush like dreaminn of him every night. but tha dream, will only be a dream. and it'll nvr come true. i can nvr call him mine agn. reality calls. suddenly i feel tha pain. and then tha tears flow. it's tiring. really, to be happy and all in school in front of him; trying' t act as strong as he is, tryin' t make him not feel guilty, tryin' t take it as if tha whole thing was a joke jush like him. jush tryin.

say it isn't so-- tell mie you're not leavin, say you change your mind now; that im only dreamin, this is not goodbye;

and right now, i seem t have more than i cld ask for; everythin's finally beginnin' t fall into place, i finally am acty enjoyin' stdyin'. for tha first tyme. bt smhw i feel empty inside. it's as if, everything's jush on tha surface. whyie din you hold on; dnte you know.. if you hold on long enough, if you're strong enough, you'll find out where you belong eventually.. you kept telling mie that everything wld be alright eventualy. whyie'd you back out of your own words. lies. tha whole tyme jush living in your one whole beeg lie. makin mie fall for you, playin mie, lettin it all go. you're tha best. really tha best jerk in townn.

I guess I didn’t read the sign at all
You call me darling
Say that you’re in love
But it doesn’t feel like you mean it
Although I’ve ever been in love before
I’m sure it must be so much more than this
Cause I’ve never been so unhappy

Everything’s wrong and backwards
Upside down
Ahh.. I’m letting you touch me but I’m cold inside
This ain’t right

Chorus
Sorry, I’m sorry that it’s over now
We stand alone and we know it’s gone,
Can’t live without love
It’s hard for me to know that you’ll be sorry
And I don’t wanna see [me] cry
No matter what I say, no matter what I do, you’ll
Be sorry anyway

I still remember how I felt that night
The stars where out and made it all seem right
I guess I fooled myself into falling
Without a shadow of a doubt
I looked straight into [your] eyes
And that was the night
And I really do miss that feeling

Everything’s wrong and backwards
Upside down
Ahh.. I’m letting you touch me but I’m cold inside
This ain’t right

(Chorus)

I don’t know how to be strong when it’s over
Can’t face the lonely hour
It feels so wrong but it’s right to tell you now
Oh I don’t know why, I just wanna to cry
Oh why, it’s time to let go but I want you to know I’m

(Chorus)

i.<3.you.

2005-04-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

i miss you. alot.

it stiu hurts. and its not supposed to.

it dusnt even hurt for you.

tel mie baby, whyie do tha tears stiu fall.

you made mie feel so tall;

then you pushed me flat to tha wall.

now youre taking a part of mie away,

no matter how much i want you to stay.

kiss mie softly,

say you love mie;

cuddle mie close,

let mie enjoy your soft repose.

jush say that im only dreaming,

that you are oh so joking.

reality hits mie hard --

i wish i were blinded, right from tha start.

it hurts deep down,

crying, but you donte hear a sound.

take away mie pain,

please tell mie you love mie again.

]]:

2005-04-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

[Talking]
I just need to talk to you for a second
it won't take me long
i gotta get this off my chest
Listen!

[Verse 1]
I'm really glad that you can take out time
cuz i got a lot on my mind
i never thought that you would be the kind
to do that dirt and hang ya head
babyboy won't you make me understand
why you would say the things you said to me
you made me believe that we would be forever
but it was all a lie

[chorus]
If it never really was what you seen in me
why did you say you believed in me
it's all because of you my security
it's driving me crazy baby
if it never really was what you had for me
why did you say that you wanted me, needed me
if it never really was what you meant for me
tell me

[Verse 2]
Now i know i've asked you time and time again
were you sure you didn't want another girl
i would've understood it back then
but you had to wait until i gave in
now i know i've been a sucker for your love
baby tell me what the hell was i thinking of
i should of listened to them when they told me
but i learned the hard way

[Chorus]
Why would you play with my heart
when i gave it all
it's tearing me apart boy
all you had to do is say so
i would have let you go
you're making it so hard boy

Why would you play with my heart
when i gave it all
it's tearing me apart boy
all you had to do is say so
i would of let you go
you're making it so hard boy
Tell me why, why baby

[Chorus 2x]

If it never really was what you seen in me
why did you say you believed in me
(i just tried to give you what you needed)
it's all because of you my security
it's driving me crazy baby
(would you tell me why you lied to me)
if it never really was what you had for me
why did you say you wanted me, needed me
(what am i to do i believed in you)
if it never really was what you meant for me
tell me

there you go. it's all about yourself. don't go round asking people to make sure i'm ok. that i won't do anything dumb. you could have told me face to face. but you didn't. don't worry. i know right from tha start everything's about you. i don't know if you'll feel guilty. i don't know if you're sad. i don't know if you're happy, i don't know if you still love me. all i know is i don't know much, i'm totally blurred, lost and confused. but it's alright. when you never really cared, the hurt i'm feeling will go away soon. the tears im crying will be washed away soon. see whyie i'm not going back to you; yea. it's cause i know friends first. whatever i say won't do much if your friends are gonna say smth else. you nvr listened or heard mie out; but you always listened to what your friends said. what do they know about us? they aren't even in the picture. they don't even know a thing. but you let em rule you. i can't do much. see, i went over to your place, i wanted to call you, message you. but just as i reached your house, i walked back turned around and took the bus back. just as i pressed tha dial button, i hung down, just as i finished typin mie message, i erased it. but when tha tears fell, i let it fall. when thoughts of you came, i never erased em. i love you, i need you. but baby, you're right, it aint gonna work out; we don't live in a world of me and you only. there're manyy people. many things.

'mie sun will nvr rise again it did with you. '

hear.mie.out.pls.

2005-04-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

to you -- i saw em walking hand in hand outt. i ask`d tha few guyss hangin out w mie. n al had tha same response. of cush tha gurl luhs. i wish you cld have that kinda response too. i dnte know whyie but im feelin really lost. esp last night.
i din know whyie i aplogis`d t you, i just did. and i dnte even think its mie fault. sure, you were tired and al. but so was i. everything's bout you. when's it ever bout mie. tell mie smth i dnte know. tell mie. pls. i was jush lookin' fer someone to turn and talk t. and it certainly wasnt you. i turn`d t you in tha first place cush i knew you want`d mie to share mie probbies w you. but thanks for al you said. al you msg`d mie -- smtymes i really wonder whyie i bother`d replyin' you. like you said, ill always feel tha same way, and you'll always tell mie tha same thing. there's no dialogue at al. we're talkin' diff. there's no link. perhaps thats whyie i jush rather keep mie probbies to mieselff. mann, if it were sm other guy id have kick`d their butts and they'd be back to mie apologisin'.
you're jush smthin' diff. i dunno if i like that or hate that. you're jush diff. maybe that's whyie im holdin' on. maybe that's whyie we're stiu us. i jush dnte wanna let go. smth's preventin' mie frm lettin' go. smth wants mie to hold on. smth believes us is definite. smth believes we are right. i jush hope that smth is right. tryinn hard to uds and accept our differences. its showin so obviously, more than ever right now.
and i guess i was wrong, totally wrong bout you not listenin to mie. you always listen. jush that you nvr hear. "hello, can you hear mie?" you can, but you jush choose not to. its aiights. it is. im used t it. i cante help but feel that way. you make mie feel that way. used t it.
and ill learn soon enough, that whatever i do, ill nvr be as great as your friends. ill nvr be more impt than your friends no matter what you say. ill always be second. no matter what. i wonder if im askinn for alot. al im askin' fer is fer you to have a lil' more private tyme with mie. jush chillin', eatin', studyin'. anythinn'. jush gimme a lil' more space in your heart. jush lemme be with you. jush let it be tha both of us. only tha both of us. can you bear t?
right now, i dnte think you have enough tyme fer your life. i went t his house jush now. i dnte know hw you feel bout it. i may be in his grp. i dnte know hw you feel bout it too. al i know is i got mix`d feelins bein in yours. true, i have not much say. i gotta be where you guys place mie. and im nt sure bout anythinn now. i jush am havin' real mix`d up confuse`d feelings bout whyie there's so much differences in our thoughts, our actions. nothing's ever tha same.
cante we walk hand in hand out like em? cante i even be or par w your gang? cante you even hear mie out once in a while? cante you uds mie plight? cante you make time fer mie?

-kneels down, clasps her hands, squeezes eyes tightly -- i wish, he cld spend jush a lil more time on mie. pls.

to eu* -- thanks. for callin jush now when i was in school. thanks for lettin tha tears runn out. thanks for makin mie smile in btw tha tears. thanks for everythingg. smtymes i wish you were back here. jush like a beeg bro to mie. always there fer mie. every single time. maybe if you were here, they wldnt scold mie that much anymore. it was always that case. they liked you hell lot more than they liked mie. and im their daughter. tell mie bout it. its been this way frm tha start. some things will nvr change. maybe now, you'd uds whyie i was always jealous of you. maybe now, you'd uds whyie i really din like you whenever you got prais`d and mie cookie gt compar`d wif you. i totally hated you those times. everything bout you. you shld know, mie cookie, we've lost touch, but compar`d to you, he's stiu tha one.

sorry i lied. but you did too.

here's tha thing --

we start`d as friends;

it was cool, maybe all pretence

...

you dedicat`d, you took tha tyme;

wasnt long til i call`d you mine

...

and now you nvr hear mie say,

"jush hw i picture mie w you";

i thought you'd nvr hear mie say

...

hw can i put it --

you put mie on;

i even fell for that stupid lurfhve song

...

hw come i nvr hear you say ,

"i jush wanna be w you".

i bet you nvr felt that way

...

out of sight,

out of mind

shut your mouth

i jush cante take it

again and again and again and again

...

2005-04-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

ayyes. suddenly there're loadsa stuff coming upp. suddenly mie mind's super full of stuff. bout everything. bout nothing. its restless. i cante seem to stop thinking. except when im with him. times with him are tha most treasurable. i can acty let go of everything and be happy, carefree. stupid shit. loadsa stuff on mie mind. and i it's building up. maybe that's why i can nvr have enough slp. help. pls.

HAPPY BURFDAE SAMUEL!. [[: hopes all eur dreams and wishes come true. smile always and be happy. takkairs alwayss!. -huggiess.

hey, i wonte uds what tha hell is going on luhs. so fuckin pls pple. STOP TELLING MIE AS IF I KNOW EVERYTHING. -poutss. i dunno. i really am confused bout mie own stuff now. im sorry i donte have time to fully uds whatever you are saying. im trying. mann, i am. but pls donte think i donte give a fuck or whatever. its just. mann. i really got loadsa of stuff in mie mind right now. ill try to squeeze your bit in too. ill try to help. ill TRY okae!?. mann...

and i dreamt i died again ytd. i died. what am i letting go of now?

mich -- its aiights bout tha misudstnding.. [[: peace. screw al those spreadin these fucked up shieet. friendds. -smiless. anwys, to al those spreadin rumours bout mie.. whatever luhs. fuckin donte give a damn. screw ya'll.!

alan -- ayyes. i hope that you solve your probbies soon. clear your mind. smile. i hope things go your way again. like they used to. i hope everything will be fine for you. be optimistic. think on tha bright side. i cante help much cush there really is nth i can do. al i can do is to encourage and support you. so yea.. smile.'

to dwi -- whatever. you and your promises. fucking keep it t yourself. cush you'll nvr learn t keep promises. nvr. you have a whole stretch of excuses prepared for yourself. you know what, i give up. totally. whatever you say, so fake. so unreal. do whatever you want. go clubbin go get a girl. whatever, whoever. suit yourself luhs. its your life. and you have nth to do with mie. keep your words to yourself. you've NEVER meant anything you've ever said.

mie guy -- yes. mel sucks. totally. all tha time. name mie a time mel dusnt suck right? yes. go ahead. too many right. continue. al ears. ahs, im really sorry luhs. i really din mean to temper on you again. mel sucks mel sucks mel sucks. whyie'd you choose her? ahhs, bad choice rights? totally. sighss. maybe you deserve someone better. and i promised id try to control.. but wtf, mel lost again. talk bout trying. donte even know fi im puttin in mie best. bet you're piss`d at mie right now. no worries, i totally uds. ahhs, you're stiu tha nicest, most blur, most.. mel's sorry. im missing you. everything. snakey hand shake, teddy bear hug. mann.

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

sometimes some people get me wrong
when it's something I've said or done
sometimes you feel there is no fun
that's why you turn and run

but now I truly realise some people don't wanna compromise
well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies
and well I don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say [baby]

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

Well I'm so tired baby
things you say you're driving me away
whispers in the powder room baby don't listen to the games they play
girl I thought you'd realise I'm not like them other guys
coz I saw them with my own eyes
you should've been more wise
and well I don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say [baby]

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

come.on.over.baby.

2005-04-05T21:03:00.000-07:00

hie!. this is an entry for EVERYBODY. please take a look. read on. -winkss. [[:

i need, want, DESPERATELY the below few thingss:
#1. eye shadow @ watsonss.
#2. bronzer @ bodyshopp.
#3. ralph lauren's scentt.
#4. super duper shiny lip glosss.
#5. sling bagg.
#6. mascaraa.
#7. nice small towelss.
#8. nelly's SUIT cdd.
#9. a burnt cd wif all tha cool hot sexay songss.
#10. book mie a hotel room wif mie guyy. FOC. order candle lit dinner. sexxaye musicc. PRIVACY. door locked, lights dim, music on, wonder whats under all eure wearingg. temperature's risingg...let's go on to tha next levell. hott stuff.

c'monn. book tha stuff you wanna get for mie!. first come first servee. loll!. -rolls eyess and frownss. but seriously, i really really desperately urgently need em pls!. die for. and i need tha cashh!. who's wans to contribute to melissa's wannabuy stuff fundd just tell mie!. pls.........

anwys, what in tha world's wrong wif qi xiang's nick? loll!. WANKER IS BACK. wth?.... - what a turn off turn off!. eye roller!.

-roarss. i was s'pposed to go to mie guy's house tday. but wif mie new timetable.. it was highly impossible and he needed to be back in school by 5. -poutss. it's high time i knew what FUCKstrat`d means. anwys, thanks for tha sweet surprise ytd!. -beamss. lurfhvee you loadss!. -squealss. i really din expect you to be there!. oh mann...... esp ytd nights, ... -sighss. if only there cld be a replayy. oh yeaa babyy... when you sent mie homee, holding mie handd... walkin through tha streets, where there was no one, nothing, except mie and you. for a while i hoped to hell that it'd just stop there. where i cld see nth and no one but you, and vice versa.. oh yeaa, mie guy, he gave mie a kiss; it was smth like this -- it made mie go ooh ooh... loll.

oh faggart. im piss`d. i so donte wanna get wet tmr!. i so donte wanna run tmr!. i so am gonna get a crampyy tmr!. and ill be tired. n bored. n sianx. and... everything but happy. trng's gonna be shieet tmr, i can predick. i can see it already. im pouting, frowning, sulking... ahhhs. i am so not looking forward to tmr pls!. -poutss.

yes, im losing it. its coming back to mie. mann. withdrawal symptoms. totally. suffering it. its hell torturee.

i need you. oh yea baby, i do. desperately.

thank.you.

2005-04-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

thanks for always rushing to be there whenever im alone.
thanks for always making mie smile.
thanks for always listening to mie probbies and smiling mie outta it. thanks for always picking mie up frm tha bottomless pit hole.
thanks for always making mie rmb that im supposed to be happy cush i nvr know who's falling in love with mie smile.
thanks for always cheering mie up when im down.
thanks for always pissing mie off cush eu nvr wanna share eur probbies with mie, but in turn make mie share all of mine with you.
thanks for always taking care of mie like im a lil' gurl.
thanks for always reminding mie to eat whenever i donte.
thanks for always giving mie tha special feeling of havin a big bro.
thanks for always not lying to mie.
thanks for always wanting mie to be arnd on funn occasions.
thanks for always putting up with mie bad moodiness everytime i donte feel like smiling.
thanks for always remindin mie of mie smile always promise to you.
thanks most of all, for just being arnd for mie everytime i need a friend.

day.

2005-03-30T21:48:00.000-08:00

thanks to gordon fer cheering mie up loads in tha morning, comforting mie just by listening to mie probbie. you know, it's these lil things that i really appreciate from deep downn. thank you for listeningg. [:

and i felt much better after seeing andy, don and hendra in school. all 3 of em staying!. -beamss. it feels great pls!. ill be seeing you guys arnd in schoool!.

i finished school at 09ooh!. just how cool is that pls!. -beamss. [[: and i DONTE have to take mother tongue. that counts for a -DOUBLE beamm!. but tha seasports room was locked. -poutss. you know when it's locked when you acty see seasports pple in tha canteen. if not they'll be chillin in tha room!. warning: it's addictive. very. you cante help it mann, tha music, tha ambience, tha smell, tha sofas (esp tha black one which i have to snatchh for)... everything rawkss.

so thank you mr alan and mr morgan fer accompanying mie till trng started. btw, mr morgan you owe mie and mr alan fer making us WAIT for you to finish eur 'toopid CME. -roarss. and mr alan.. well he's acty a meanie in disguise. -winkss. but he'll be okae after he blanjas mie movie tomo!. -beamms. thanks alan!. loll!. and here's to alan morgan and desmond, thanks you guys fer waitin with mie till mie dadde picked mie up!. <3 you guys loadss of sugar coat`d doughnuts!.

to alan -- hey capt. thanks so much for everything. your words of advice. which didn really do much hahhas, and eur rubbishy manners at times and constantly being around for me and reminding mie that eure there for mie to talk to and all. hopes eur probbie is solved ya, whatever it is. -beeg hug. sorry fer bitin you!. -winkss.

to samuel -- first it was normal voice, then it was sexy voice, now its NO MORE VOICE!. -poutss. i told you it's tha salt water!. eure s'pposed to take pepsi lemon and not salt water!. hahhahahs. takkairs ya!. and eu too, thanks so much fer always being concerned bout mie!. mua.

to eu* -- i had a nice chat with you just now didnt i? tears of sadness, frustrations, f words all blurted out right? hopes you are feeling better. hopes that things will be alright for you. hopes that i knocked some sense into you. hopes that you'll turn out stronger. believe in Him, believe in eurself. you can do it. i believe in you. i know you can do it. i've known you fer so long. you'll pull thru this. you wonte let this bring you down. im here pal, anytime you need a friend. donte ever let mie hear what you told mie ytd and just now ever agn. whatever happened btw you and her i donte wanna know anymore, i donte want to care. shushh... youre just making tha tears roll downn. all tha best.

to you aka mr quiggle pweglee -- i really really needa say a beeg thank you to you. for everything. just for being you. fer changing fer mie.fer compromising to make mie feel better. i hope you like tha posty i gave you just now. unconventional ehs? [[: anwys, whats more impt is tha words. and i mean every single one of em. thank you for accepting who i am and also for not placing it too hard fer mie when im throwin mie tantrum etc. and as tears of different reasons fall, i know i can turn to you for comfort. i know that you'll be there opening eur arms inviting mie in anytime, anywhere. and eur words, they're true. everything will eventually turn out alright. [[: believe you. mua. say hie to mr ballie baldie for mie. and DONTE let eur MEANNIE bro take it!. -ROARSS. eure stiu tha nicest to bite. [[:

On the street you are listening to every beat of your heart
Want to know if it's working and you're still alive
On your feet you are walking around with your clothes torn apart
In a nightmare where the question is how to survive
In this dangerous land
I'm trying the best that I can
to be a respectable man
So won't you listen won't you listen to me

I'm breaking the law if you don't give me more than public attention
I'm breaking the rules gonna act like a fool
On the street you are looking so hard for a place for the night
All you want is understanding of your basic rights
In this dangerous land
I'm trying the best that I can
to be a respectable man
So won't you listen won't you listen to me

I'm breaking the law if you don't give me more than public attention
I'm breaking the rules gonna act like a fool
I'm crossing the line if you don't give me time on your television
I've got something to say don't push me away

eu.and.mie.

2005-03-27T21:31:00.000-08:00

mie first db competition. it really din turn out tha way i expect`d it to be. i guess through this competition i've learnt abt feelings. different kinds everywhere frm different people. part and parcel of growin up. and i guess perhaps ill nvr uds how they feel, but i have to try. -nodss

and im super tiredd today pls!. baptism was ytd nights. -beamss. im gonna miss tha RCIY '04-'05 family. tha past one yr has really brought alot of ups and downs to mie life but RCIY has really helped mie to be closer to Him and love Him more than i ever thought i wld. mie faltering faith in Him previously is now stronger, esp after He answered mie prayers just recentlyy. thank to marcus, ada and grandma.. [[: stephh let mie try on tha choir gown!. -SQUEALLS! super loved it luhhs!. am sooooooooooooo gonnna post tha picture i took in it here soon. pwomisseee...

ooh, went gordon's place before baptismM!. his house super rawks pls!. esp his room. but its darn hot luhhs!. and i lurfhveeeee his guess shirt!. double rawkss!. -beamss. oohs, we took loads of funkaii picturess!. wiill upload em soon k? as soon as eu can come over to mie place and get tha pics frm tha camera to tha computerr!. [[: anwys, i had a super wonderful time at eur place.. - stands in frnt of eur door and shakes tha keys. and im sorry i pissed eu off on friday. sorryyy...... got eu a pressie, hope it makes up fer it. -beamss. lurfhvee eu loadss of honey bak`d hamm!.

alan-- ehs sorwee cldnt play pool with you. EASTER SUNDAYY!. -beamss. easter eggs! -double beamss. [[: super happy dayy. and yea, thanks fer always being around for mie. and listenin to mie complains and whiningggsss.... hahhahas. and dreaming of mie is super NOT a nightmare pls!. -poutsssssss. smtymes i feel eu got much much more time for mie than he doess.. -shrugss

alan.and.samuel.

2005-03-26T01:46:00.000-08:00

i wonder if you're feeling sad. cush i am. a bit. i guess. it shldnt be affecting mie. i shldnt be feeling this way. so what the hell right? im gonna be like you. im just gonna let things be like this. tried, failed, given up.

samuel and alan rawkk!. super duperrr alot!. woahhhh!.

alan -- hey, i know eu feel real shitty now. but cheer up k? try eur best not to worry so much. -hugss. ill owaess be here fer you!. lurfhvee you loadss!. always think on tha bright side of life!. and things will eventually turn out aiights... and thanks.. fer helping mie.. in .. certain stuff..

samuel -- EU RAWK!. totally uhhs. eure just like mie closest seniorr. i can talk to you bout anything. and eur advices. i promise ill take it to mind. thanks again fer always being around. hope you get better sooN!. -beamss. lurfhveee youu!.

book.mie.please.

2005-03-24T17:37:00.002-08:00

i learn fast. and alan learns fast too. but alan dusnt have nice shoes. but you have to say he does so you can boost his small ego to a major huge one. -rolls eyes & beamss. hahahhas. alan rawks. but he has to say thank you to mie fer accompanying him home and back to schooooool.! -winkss.

and i went home with samuel today!. samuel rawkss!. [[: loads and loads. i lurfhvee going home with him. hahhaas. comfortable ride home. comfortable silences. safe.

havent seen ben fer a longg time. -poutss. i wonder why. i miss him. he's suppos`d to be mie fav senior! hahahs.

to YOU -- i dunno. ughhs. WHYIE DONTE YOU EVER LISTEN!?. whyie wonte you even try?!. you just go on and on and on. and i listen. but when i talk you donte. why why why!? why cante you hear mie out first then go talk to eur FRIENDS!. why am i always not in your list. whyie donte you even care?! whyie. im trying. but are you? im putting in e effort. are you? shit. i know im no one and in no position to judge. and i feel lousy everytime i compare. but wth. smtimes i cante take it. really. at times i wonder what i got mieself into. but when i know all of em will go one day and leave you alone; i just cante bear to leave. and i know i donte wanna leave yet. im stiu believing that maybe one day you'll acty realise it. just maybe... still hoping that one day ill be somewhere visible on your list. is it so hard to juggle both boats? i donte wanna feel sad. neither do i wanna feel bad. i try and try to supress it within mie. but i have to explode. and just now. mann. it was rude. dammit. and i felt oh so frustrated. its not tha first time. you have time for them. sure you do. all im asking is just a few min. a FEW. is it that much to ask for? can it so not be done? just gimme a place. a time. a chance. you used to think that you had to book mie to go out with mie. but now i think i have to book you to even talk to you. im sorry... and yea, below.. its for YOU too.

it's just simple kissing;

no one has to even know.

i wish they didn't know to hurt me;

as long as you don't let it show.

and if we keep it between us --

bottled up inside,

it's our little secret.

i'll be the way you told me,

"keep it shy".

just to hear you on the phone,

talked a million miles an hour,

pretending we were all alone.

and if only for a moment;

it felt like you were really mine.

but no one wants a cheater,

even if the choice were mine.

going crazy for a week,

your friends are so gonna freak;

because i'd know that id be freaking too.

cause that the girl would do.

it's so frustrating you know,

that you ain't got time for dating.

no matter where i go or what i do;

it sucks cause i wanna be with YOU.

book.mie.please.

2005-03-24T17:37:00.001-08:00

it's just simple kissing;

no one has to even know.

i wish they didn't know to hurt me;

as long as you don't let it show.

and if we keep it between us --

bottled up inside,

it's our little secret.

i'll be the way you told me,

"keep it shy".

just to hear you on the phone,

talked a million miles an hour,

pretending we were all alone.

and if only for a moment;

it felt like you were really mine.

but no one wants a cheater,

even if the choice were mine.

going crazy for a week,

your friends are so gonna freak;

because i'd know that id be freaking too.

cause that the girl would do.

it's so frustrating you know,

that you ain't got time for dating.

no matter where i go or what i do;

it sucks cause i wanna be with YOU.

book.mie.please.

2005-03-24T17:37:00.000-08:00

it's just simple kissing;

no one has to even know.

i wish they didn't know to hurt me;

as long as you don't let it show.

and if we keep it between us --

bottled up inside,

it's our little secret.

i'll be the way you told me,

"keep it shy".

just to hear you on the phone,

talked a million miles an hour,

pretending we were all alone.

and if only for a moment;

it felt like you were really mine.

but no one wants a cheater,

even if the choice were mine.

going crazy for a week,

your friends are so gonna freak;

because i'd know that id be freaking too.

cause that the girl would do.

it's so frustrating you know,

that you ain't got time for dating.

no matter where i go or what i do;

it sucks cause i wanna be with YOU.

bad.week.

2005-03-23T22:31:00.000-08:00

thanks alan. for accompanying mie thruout tha morningg. ((= you rawk!. -nodss

thanks usher abs. for cheering mie up and giving mie tha mac thoughtss. -beamss.

thanks 1st toapayoh guys. for talking cock and making mie smile letting mie know im not alonee. will miss ya'll when eu guys go..

thanks eric. for your advicee.

anwys, yea. i had a bad start. everythingg suck`d. and i was damn pissed with everythingg. super felt like crying luhs. super bad week fer mie. whatever luhhs. but thanks to tha few pple above, i felt better.. you all.. lurfhvee you guys loadss.

to YOU -- im having mixed feelings now. im super not sure abt anything anymore. yups. its weird luhhs. somehw i feel things were better off as it was last time. but i guess im gonna perservere. see e outcome. im struggling within mieself. truth. im getting used to giving in to you in everything. i try like. to be genuinely happy but tha feeling just comes and goes. on and off. when i somehow caught your gaze fer that brief moment while boating.. it felt good. real good. but your attitude bout some stuff, i really cante take it. i feel sad thinkin abt it. and im really sorry luhhs. bout everythingg. sometimes i wonder if its mie fault. sometimes i feel it is. and sometimes i feel super sadd that i know the outcome of this whole thingg btw us. it seems to mie super obviouss. i donte like feeling that way. but like you said, closer to your pals. and while they are arnd, ill be miles away. i love em, they're a fun bunch. but at times i feel i hate em. you wonte allow yourself to be stolen. but you donte realise you already have. by em. i miss you pls. alot alot. and i donte wanna not like em. but i feel like i could take some of your time too. and not let everything be taken by em. yes im jealous. i admit. ... im trying to push it away.. i am. but im losing it. ...

eure.impt.to.mie.

2005-03-21T20:03:00.000-08:00

thank you samuel.

i doubt you'll ever read this cause we hardly know each other; but i guess within that 45min ride home, i really learnt more about you, myself and him. and all that you shared with me, well i really appreciated it. i guess because i'm afriad to open up to many and tha way you did so, well it just seemed so natural. and i admire your courage. moreover that bond that i felt. i dunno. it's tha first time i ever felt that way. i never thought there'd be someone out there who'd uds. but you just came along my way. and i guess now i know that i'll never be alone whenever things like that happen to me again. because i know that there's always someone out there in this big world sharing my thoughts, my feelings, and really understanding my plight. sounds so cliche and all, but i just feel that way. we're not all exactly alike, but it's all so comfortable.

you made my day. thank Him for letting you cross my path.

to YOU -- hopes you don't get jealous or whatsoever. well, i guess i know more bout you. let's take it slow. real slow and easy. things may just turn out right for both of us. slow. and i really hope you won't feel that you have to forgo alot of stuff just cause of me. i don't wanna be a burden to you. maybe that's why i really hope you don't keep your wild imagination running. like im always not angry with you, and you keep saying i am. i dunno, i just feel uncomfortable bout it. its as if you feel not worthy of me or smth. i know they always treat you as joker of the class, of the club etc. but i don't. so i hope you won't treat me as someone who just takes you as a joke too. you're not. to me, i guess i'm happy the way i am. i know too that sometimes you just don't feel as comfortable with me as you are with your pals. but just like you said abt 'em. maybe its cush you do like me and it gets to you. or maybe its just me. i know you're afriad. but so am i. and im willing to walk with you hand in hand, slowly, taking as long as we want to acheive our same aim. im walking beside you. not in front or behind you. so don't you worry. i uds that you need your own space; and as much as you do, i need it too. you really don't have to fret abt making me angry which i have never been with you or abt having to accompany 24--7. we both have our needs, our wants. it just takes a lil bit of accomodating and compromising to get thru this. i'm taking this further step and i know you are too. so please, walk beside me, hold my hand, and let's just face all these together.

this song, its for YOU.

Heaven knows you're with me now

Heaven knows that you're here

I feel your breath all around me now

And all the pain just disappears

It goes away, it goes away

And it only hurts, when you cry

I'm alone inside, when there's tears in your eyes

I can't hide and say I'm fine

But it only hurts, when you cry

You carry too much on your shoulders

I can't wait till you let me down

Cause the only thing we're getting is older

This time never comes back around

You just gave it, gave it away

And it only hurts, when you cry

I'm alone inside, when there's tears in your eyes

I can't hide and say I'm fine

But it only hurts, when you cry

When you cry

Heaven knows you're with me now

And I'll do my best to hold on

Cause nothing is worth all this fighting now

And I won't give up till it's gone

Make it go away, go away

Cause it only hurts, when you cry

I'm alone inside, when there's tears in your eyes

I can't hide and say I'm fine

But it only hurts, when you cry

a.day.with.gen.

2005-03-20T21:18:00.000-08:00

i went to cut mie hair todayy! [[: -beamss. yes. i did. i cut it oh so short i cante tie it up right now. and i met raymondd and zenn!. and mie and mie gf, miss genevis lee, yes, aka miss fabulous, made a new friend in hair profilee. -clears throat... drum rolls... xi gua!. yes, watermelon. hahhahas. he's a damn talkative guy but that's what makes him sociable. hahhahs. i was in a superrr duperr happy mood today.! and tha both of us had like loads and loads to gossip abt. -shakes head. 'gurlss...'

ooh, watermelon and zen said we looked alike. how cool luhhs. wha.. that's super compliment to mie. -winkss. same nose, same smile. what can i say man. i totally love her. GEN RAWKSS!. -BEEG SMILEE.

and miss gen lee was super duper complaining abt her hair, which is super duper uberr nice. trust mie. and i was super duper tellin her how super duper nice her hair was. meanie peeg dusnt wanna believee mie. -poutss.

ooh... and i bought this tube. purple colour. and i know MIE FASHION STYLIST, will super be lovin it. hmmms, i wonder whyie. -ponderss & winkss.

and obviously us two hot chicss went to take pics.

and now, im officially stating that im broke pls. -SULKSS. went out with 60bucks and now im left with hmm. 2 pathetic dollars. spent 10 toppin up mie farecard, 16 on tha tubeee (UBER NICE) -nodss; 32 on miee hair (UBER SHORT) -nodss; 4 on pics and tha rest on food. yes FOOD. all thanks to miss fab who wanted to eat mac and so i got seduced by her and ended up eatin mac too.

WE DIDN'T EAT HAAGEN DAZ!. -POUTSS.

but i totally love miss fab pls!. [[: she's mie superr duperr pretty lil darling. ahhs. i am so gonna go out with her again. maybe to buy her clip which she wanted so badly we had to walk frm far east all tha way to cine. -poutss. but its who im walkin with luhhs. so it wasnt all that bad i guess.

CITIBANK IS A MEANIE ARSE BANK!. -ROARSS. they were giving free icecream to people above the age of 21. how bias!. meaniee arses discriminating us young carefree young adults from busy old adults.! MEANIE MEANIE!.

anwys, to YOU. yes, YOU. i miss YOU. -poutss. and you totally have to help mie write that mean thinggy i was supposed to write. but i bet you forgot. whats new right? anwys, hope tha bbq was funn mann!. -whistles. and while you were at it, i was having a beeg major affair with MISS GENEVIS LEE!. ahahahas.

gen -- hey gurl, whatever probbies eure facing, rmb to look on tha bright side of lyfee k? anything you need help in or need to bitch arnd with someone, call mie up ya? i lovee you to tons and tons of sugar plum fairiess. totally, i had a wunderfulll time today with you!. catch eu some other time k? take care of eurself babe.! -smuahhsss.

baby.gurll.

2005-03-19T21:02:00.000-08:00

yes jon. im stiu tha best. number 1. -beamss go kick 'eir arsesss; whack tha daylight outta emm! -hollerss anwys, i've missed eu bro!. where tha hell did eu disappear to?. gotta go catch upp wiv eu smtymee. [[: now mr jon, donte get eur butt into anymore trouble. or elseee. -wavess fingerr in front of eu & poutss. and eur lyfe is super not sad PLS!. takkairss and lurfvee eu!.

oh rightss, and i went shppin` wiv mie mommy today!. -nodss. i bought this pair of heels fer baptism nightt! and a skin colorr thongg.! -BEAMSS. hahahahhaas, and who's to know, mie MOMMY bought it! she suggested it!. mom rawks today. [[: oh, and i so saw tha ralph lauren perfumee and i so wanted to buy it! nice smell. it's on mie wishlisttt!. happy gurll. -beamss

btw, baptism night is next sat!. i'll be rebornn! a new burfdaeee! so, -clears throat .. when can i collect mie pressiess darlingss? -hints hints. [[:

and this is so OMG luhhs, i totally turned him out. i guess im super frustrated with this on off thinggy noww. -nodss. but i stiu cante believe i did that. ahhhs. mel, what's wiv eu these few dayss mann. -rolls eyess

but i had a wonderfull night ytd with rod, tim, mie sis and YOU!. yes YOU. -winkss. anwyss, eur fried rice is number 1 on mie list noww. but tha rice is too hardd! -shrugss. one cante have tha best of both werlds i guess. and eure a super lousy slper. PERIOD. i came to a conclusion that NO ONE in this werld can ever get proper slp with you. i wonder how eur camp buddies manage to get some slp with eu arnd. -poutss and ponderss. anwys, i guess im not sure abt alot of stuff right now. ytd seemed so, so bittersweet. too bittersweet that alot of it now feels fake? weird? i dunno. im not sure if eu felt that way thou. well, two options. stop. or live wiv it.
* we're not playin no more games agn are we? i lost once alreadyy. and i donte like playin em wiv pple who win mie. eu know mie stylee.

this lil baby shall
-clasps hands together and wish for a miracle.

and oh so wow mr jon ang. you have know changed eur name to mr nat suen. -rolls eyes & shrugs... haha. [[: cell lykes enuff alreadyy right... -winkss

maybe, maybe this song's for you. lurfve you.

i just wanted you to comfort me

when I called you late last night you see

i was fallin' into love

oh yes, i was crashin' into love

oh of all the words you sang to me

about life, the truth and bein' free yea

you sang to me, oh how you sang to me [boy]

i live off how you make me feel

so i question all this bein' real

cuz i'm not afraid to love

for the first time i'm not afraid of love

oh, this day seems made for you and me

and you showed me what life needs to be

yea you sang to me,

oh you sang to me

all the while you were in front of me i never realized

i jus' can't believe i didn't see it in your eyes

i didn't see it, i can't believe it

oh but i feel it

when you sing to me

how i long to hear you sing beneath the clear blue skies

and i promise you this time i'll see it in your eyes

i didn't see it, i can't believe it

oh but i feel it

when you sing to me just to think you live inside of me

i had no idea how this could be

now i'm crazy for your love

can't believe i'm crazy for your love

the words you said you sang to me

and you showed me where i wanna be

yea you sang to me, oh you sang to me

ill.stand.by.you.

2005-03-16T14:16:00.000-08:00

i guess tha truth game helped.

it always helped between tha both of us.

and i guess we'll both never stop playing games.

smhw, everything'll just end up being what it was.

and we'll roll back to tha truth game.

there's smth bout eu that makes eu diff frm tha rest.

maybe tha fear -- well, just maybe it isn't as bad as i thought.

i was just waiting for someone like you.

Oh, Why You Look So Sad?

Tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now

Don’t be ashamed to cry

Let me see you through

’cause I’ve seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you

You don’t know what to do

Nothing you confess

Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

So if you’re mad, get mad

Don’t hold it all inside

Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?

I get angry too

Well I’m a lot like you

When you’re standing at the crossroads

And don’t know which path to choose

Let me come along’cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I’ll never desert you

I’ll stand by you

And when...

When the night falls on you, baby

You’re feeling all alone

You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I’ll never desert you

I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you

i.lurfhvee.eu,.

2005-03-16T00:02:00.000-08:00

Dreamin',

I must be dreamin'

Or am I really lyin' here with you

Baby, you take me in your arms

And though I'm wide awake

I know my dream is comin' true

(*) And, oh, I just fall in love again

Just one touch and then it happens every time

And there I go I just fall in love again, and when I do

Can't help myself, I fall in love with you

Magic, it must be magic

The way I hold you and the night just seems to fly

Easy, for you to take me to a star

Heaven is that moment when I look into your eyes

Repeat twice (*)

Can't help myself, I fall in love with you

find.mie.

2005-03-02T23:50:00.000-08:00

i just read her blogg. agn. and everytyme aft readin her blogg, i really wonderr wheree i'll findd you. i wanna feel it. hw exactly it feels to be with you. to be near you. to kiss you hug you, be held by you so tight and hear you whisper to mie ear our soft talk. its gonna be al so different. you shld know it too. you shld feel it too. you'll prolly be tha only one who udss what im trying to say. only you. but where can i find you? i dnte even know who you are and im missing you alreadyy. find mie. hurry. come find mie.

please. please help mie find her. help her findd mie. dnte lose mie. dnte dashh your dreams of mie awayy. hold onn. im right here babehh. just waitt. be patientt. i love you.

you'll probablyy have nvr seen mie fall into heaps of laughterr, or fall into tearss of sadness, or mie cutting selff; and you'll never see

mie fall in love with you.

ill always be right here waitingg.

for you.

let.mie.go.

2005-02-28T20:59:00.000-08:00

eure right. all eu said ytd. eure totally rightt. maybe thats whyie im scaredd of being close to you. thanks fer helpin mie with mie decision. i donte wanna not let you go too. im sick and tired of this. happy, truly happy? i dunno luhhs. i only know i wanna be who i am right now. im happy with mie status. im happy with mieself. i donte need another self check agn. not frm eu, not frm anyone.

eu* -- eu get eurself smonee better. do mie that favourr.

freakkss! -- i lurfveeeeee all of eu manns. loads and loadss. thanks so much fer being arndd fer miee. and we'll meet up soon okae? SOON!. -beammsss. lovee eu all.

d* -- i donte givee a damn bout wuteverr eu said to him. be who eu are. lyfe's a gamble. eu either sit there and wait fer some sorta miracle to happen or eu get up and do wut eu want fer eurself. if eure just gonna sit there and accpet wutever shieet life has fer eu, well eure losin. so dead losing. eu donte know hw eu make mie feel. eu donte knoww hw im madee to feel. but damn, thanks to eu, im losinn it. really. so this song? it's fer eu.

*This is what you do

This is what you do

This is what you do -

You make me wanna leave the one I'm with

Start a new relationship with you

This is what you do

I think about a ring and all the things that come along with you

Make me (X2)

You make me

Before anything began between us

You were like my best friend

The one I used to run and talk to

When me and my girl was having problems

You used to say it'll be OK

Suggest little nice things I should do

And when I go home at night and lay my head down

Last thing I think about was you

And how

Now what's bad is you're the one that hooked us up

Knowing it should have been you

What's sad is that I love [him] but I'm falling for you

What should I do

Should I tell my baby bye-bye

Should I do exactly what I feel inside

Could I, I don't wanna go, don't need to stay

But I really need to get it together

At this point the situation's out of control

I never meant to hurt her

But I gotta let her go

And she may not understand it

While all of this is going onI tried, I tried to fight it

But the feeling's just too strong

im.good.at.pool.[[:

2005-02-26T21:42:00.000-08:00

stupid gurl cried when dwi was remindin her hw to play pool. stupid gurl was sobbin. what in the world was she thinkin mann.

anwys, I WON GORDON IN OUR POOL GAMES!. ALL OF THEM!. mel rawks. i loveeee her. hhahahhahs. yes, i loveee mieself. self-obsesseddd. [[:

monday's comin upp. Os results cominn outt. i hope i can stay where i am now. i donte wanna say goodbye to seasportss. or mie friends. or mie seniors. loveeeee them loadss and loadss! -beamsss

gordon's phone rawkss. i took LOADSS N LOADSSS of picss!. shall uploadd it soon. ((=

mie.bitchy.day.

2005-02-23T21:15:00.000-08:00

i had a mean day today. ]: terrible. horrible. i had a bad and slpy 2 periods of math lecture. followed by GP test. -ROARSSSS i wass supremely tired and i didnt wanna do anythingg!. hmphrms.

and gordon was angry with mie today. he says he's not luhhs. but who knows. guys always lie. hmms. im sorry. thanks fer eur slippers thou. and eur sweets. eu rawk.

but i skipped chi lecturee! -beamss. oh gosh, i so totally lurfveee mie chi teacherr. she dusnt go arnd chasin pple up fer class. hmmms. but ill just get scoldin frm her tomorrow. -wonderrss. wuts new thou. hahahhas. im a notti lil' gurl. not. [[: i cante help it. chi lecturee is badd. really.

ahhs, i had math tutoriall. and i heardd we have a math test nxt thur. -poutss. ill see if im comin to school. aft gettin back O results. hmms. for a math test!? . ughs. wth. prolly not luhhs. i get to skip math testt! -BEAMSS! mel rawks mel rawkss. -winkss

jerome saw mie scarss. i wondered hw i was suppose to feel. its weird talkin abt em. i nvr really did it. so i guess i kinda just talked it off. bluffed it off.

but i did lose some stuff. to A06, im really really desperately sorry. i know i prolly suck as a civics rep luhhs. but excuse mie. im trying. really. sighss.

yes. and i had lit. and some pple really kindaa pissed mie off. cush i wanted to say smth but they just had to say it too. and i didnt have a chance. i dunno. it was a real bad dayy. esp aft wut happened ytd at tha cinema.

oohhh! i rawwk. we begged tha PW teacherr to let us off early. impromtu bitchess luhhs -- mie, judy, mich. i lurfvve eu gurlls loadsss!! and mich and i manged to run fer tha seasportss buss. sea trng rawkss all tha tymee! [[:

okae gordon, im really sorry. i didnt think he'd do anythin to mie. i dunno. ))= im sorry.

dwi, i guess we finally cleared things up huhs. i hope. but somehow, deep down, i feel there're stiu too much left unsaid. and they cannot be said over the phone, thru msn, email or letters. eu really have to talk things out face to face. its just so different. you know it too. someday.

AhDArM -- hey ya!. thankss fer all tha care and concern. as a senior, as a friend. -HMMM. hahhahas. eu really rawk deariee. lurfvee eu loadsss and loadsss of sugar plumm fairiess!. hahahahs.

and VALUE hates mie to bits and pieces. -poutss she made mie have a meaniee day. sighhs. i donte wanna not like her. but i really cante help it. and now PTM's comin up. wut a stupidd choicee. -ROARRRRRRRRS! ]]:

a.night.out.

2005-02-20T22:19:00.000-08:00

mie uncle rawkss! he got us free hotel stay ytd at manderin. ((= thankeeeew! wheree the chingay was being conduccted. stupid shit. they totally blocked up tha whole area and i had to walk frm heeren all tha way to centre point then took tha underpass opp and walked all tha way back to tha hotel. -ROARSSSS totally pissing.

anwys, i bought honey baked ham fer tha gurlls! mie darlinkss. eu gurlls had funn ytd ehs? and jon was there too!. double funn in bullyin him. and i was conferencin with dwi and gordon. shoot mie someone. LOLL!. come to think of it now, it really wasnt a wise thing to do. hahahhas. and i fergot to bring mie chargerr! -poutss. so i was walkin along orchard road by miself at 0130h myself without a phone. smart mel, so ultra smart. went to tha glutton alley area to eat sambal stingrayy. seriously, its not that bad, just that its super ex! ahhs. and wanted to catch white noisee at cine. but it smhw didnt show! wast`d.

thus, i went to meet him in the end. at his placee. 3plus am. smart move babe. ahahahs. n his parents ssent mie home. thankss to them both. DANKE! ((=

hmmms, reached back in tha hotel and i was waitin fer mie babyy to come backk. ((= love eu! -MUA.

ling, mie dearrr babyy -- eure on tha plane now. and im missing eu loads alreadyy. stiu rmbred when eu came back and we were out together almost everyday. talkin bout jon and dwi. and everythin seemed so perfectt. now its like, yea. eure gone. agn. and ill have to wait nine months beforee seeing eu! -poutss. ill miss eu so bad. i lovee eu to honey bakeed ham! . ((=

to eu* -- everytyme i hang down on eu or i leave w/out sayin goodbye, well its really nt cush im angry. im just. i just cante seem to wanna argue with eu. im tired and sick of it. and i really cante bear to.

2005-02-16T18:23:00.000-08:00

im sick of whatever eu guys wanna think. go ahead. think what eu want. tell mie whatever crap eu guys are burning to tell mie. but hey!? guess what? its mie storyy. and im sick of eu guys interupting it. its mie storry and i donte give a fuck bout what eu guys think. its not as if its gonna change anything ya'll. i mean yea, eur advices are appreciated. but eur judgements and assupmtions are not. so buzz off. knock it out. stop acting as if eu guys know everything that's happening in mie lyfe. eur deduction and what eu perceive things to be from mie blog is just so wrong. so stop it. esp to those who are unhappy with what im writing here. eu really donte have to read this. i donte need eu to read it. neither do i welcome unwanted readers. things between mie and dwi. will only be between the 2 of us. i donte need anyone to come tell mie or him what to do. if we gt things to clear up between ourseleves, we'll solve it ourselves. thanks fer being OVER concerned. but seriously. leave us alone. whats wrong with just being friends with him? whats wrong with typing things bout amos? so what? its my blog ok? MINE. and i really donte care hw eu guys feel. feel sad or hurt or sorry for dwi? get lost. i donte give a shit to whatever eu guys feel. donte read it then! save eurselves tha trouble. when dwi was around it was exactly tha same nonsense eu guys played with us. when dwi was PERHAPS comin back, another same game. now dwi's gone, eure stiu continunin with tha game. stop. chill. go play smth else. go play with smone else. if eure trying to tear us apart of ruin tha friendship between us or even create misudstndin btw us, its so not werkin. so eu can just forget bout it. ive had enough of this. im sick of this. and i truly believe so is dwi. so here's a lil smth from both of us: KNOCK IT OUT AND CHILL IT.

dwi -- its tha most impressive piece of script eu had in eur blog. ((= lurfvee eu.

rod -- im not angry with eu anymore. im over it. and if eure over mie sister, well, He has a plan for everyone of us.

gordon -- hey, thanks fer stayin up last night to accompany thru mie GP essay thou eu were dead tired. and thanks fer such a sweet poem to brighten mie night. eu rawk gordon. owe eu.

ezruhh -- hey bro, im super sorry i din recognise eur voice ytd over tha phone. but seriously, eu sounded super different. ahhaas. im missing you ALOT! and ill nvr forget eu luhhs. this promise i can keep. lurfveee eu to bits and piecess!

jos -- thanks fer eur concern. i really appreciate it. and im sorry if eu nvr liked mie and stiu donte. thats eur problem. but this story btw mie and dwi, its ours. so let mie write mie part of it mieself ya.

Don't think that you can tell me what to think

I'm the one who knows what's good for me

And I'm stating my independence

Gonna take the road I'm gonna take

And I'm gonna make my own mistakes

It's my life

I decide

I decide how I live

I decide who I love

Choice is mine

And no one gets to make my mind up

I decide

I decide where I go

What I need

Who I know

I'm the one who's runnin' my life

I decide

Don't think you're ever gonna hold me down

Couldn't do it then can't do it now

I'm kickin' down all the fences

I'm gonna do it all and do too much

And if I mess the whole thing up

It's my ride

I decide

I decide how I live

I decide who I love

Choice is mine

And no one gets to make my mind up

I decide

I decide where I go

Where I sleep

Who I know

I'm the one who's runnin' my life

I decide

I'm taking my own chances

And I'm finding my own answers

I'm only answering to me

And that's the way it's gonna be

I decide

Oh yeah

I decide

over.fer.good.

2005-02-14T23:47:00.000-08:00

we've been through this

over and over again

too many times to mention

i think it's time to call it quits

i don't want to lose you

you don't want to lose me

but it's better this way

the heart i'm always breaking

belongs to you

i can't stand hurting you

i can't take the chance again

so i guess it's over for good

the promises that i could never keep

were the most important ones

how'd we be together

forever

i don't want to lose you

you don't want to lose me

but it's better this way

the heart i'm always breaking

belongs to you

i can't stand hurting you

i can't take the chance again

so i guess it's over for good

for good

valentines' day today. and everyone thought i was the luckiest girl. to have received 100 roses from you. and many more from gordon, shao kai, cheryl babyy, david, jerome. thanks you all. espeacially to you. thank you. it was a pleasant surprise. but your messages ytd. they really hurt. they broke my heart. and shattered it. wonder if i really was lucky. i wish you came back. really. i wish you came back here. acty that's all i wanted. to see you again. and when you msged me last night, i thought i'd nvr gonna hear from you again. who was to know i received a good morning msg from you. did you really mean what you say? were you forcin yourself to send a good mornin message? i never thought you were capeable of such mean words. it was shock. it was anger. it was hurt. it was sadness. but ill try not to delete those 6 msgs. cush somehw, i guess its tha truth huhs. and its tha first tyme ever i receive such unkind hurtful stuff. maybe its wut you've always wanted to tell me? i donte knoww. really.

4 6477 8 56237. 9436 9455 968 2663 2225 4663? 83277 255 843 8463. 9436 9455 968 23 276863 86 9473 8436 2929...

i.give.mie.lyfe.to.You.

2005-02-11T23:36:00.001-08:00

maybe that's whyie i was so hyper just now. trying to bury another sad shot. went to watch a moment to rmb. im sorry dwi. im so sorry. i didnt know i called out amos's name when i got drunk. i didnt know i placed him as mie number one. i know it prolly hurts tons. im sorry. im so sorry. and ive decided to let eu go. forget eu. and everything that happened between us. thats whyie eu havent heard from mie. after watching the show suddenly all i thought about was eu. and i realised hw badly hurt eu were then. eu love mie too much. but all im causing is hurt. so ive decided to ignore eu. no more msgs, no more talkin to eu online. perhaps we ended on a bad note that day. but i guess we were meant to end on a bad note. perhaps. and i donte wanna hurt eu again. so im slowly letting go. but before that, dwi, thank eu so much for the flowers which are comin on vday. im missing eu. but ill nvr admit it over the phone. yea, im letting mie pride built up so the love will be lost. maybe ignorance is the best way to reduce hurt. donte eu think? i guess eu feel the same way, thats why eu havent been msging or calling. its supposed to be good. but now i feel like mie lyfe's a lil' empty. i wunder if eure feeling tha same way. well, eu were a great boyfriend. maybe eu didnt know it, but i know. i was eur baby. once upon a tyme. but that was the fantasy world wasnt it? when eu get eur girl, i hope she's one hellofa darling. one hell of a lover. one who can pull eu closer to Him, one who can change eur perspective of lyfe, one who can put up with eur parents. and i cante do any of the above. so ill be right here praying for eu. i promise. all tha best dwi. He'll guide eu through. believe and have faith.

but i do miss amos. talking bout sparks. seems like he was the only one who could ever give mie that feeling. and the feeling like im the only girl in the world. i still rmbered telling him that his gf wld be the luckiest; and i still rmbered him calling mie his golden gurl. who was to know i became his girll. but that was all in the past. i think bout it noww and ill smilee to mieself. though i still donte have the guts to open the box or his email again, i always believe he's the one. but perhaps ill never be lucky enough to get who i believe is destined to be mine. so donte talk bout fate or destiny. they nvr score in mie lyfe..

and gordon, if eu ever find mie blogg, happy reading bout mie lyfee. maybe eull uds whyie i dnte wanna be in any relationshipp noww.

to Father John, thanks for always being there when i needed you. thanks fer always praying for mie. all tha best fer eur trip to Laos. ill miss eu. eu were the only one i wanted for baptism this yr, but i guess its His call. ive decided to let Him lead mie lyfee for mie. and ill carry his cross without any complains. thanks Father, for everything. ((=

In a world which on turning

With a hope of another day

A love that kept the good times

We were just kids at play

And through the warm of the summer sun

or a chill from the winter breeze

We have too much fun

and now its just a memory.
And now we must go on

and go our separate ways

with the strength of our past teaching

we can bring another day woooah.

I know its time to let you go

One last chance to let you know

Even though we're far apart

You will always be in my heart

I know its time to say goodbye

so many reasons at this time.

So many memories inside

so many tears in my eyes

As another day passes by.

So here we are

One last chance to give

I know we will make it through

as long as we stand by each other
All our dreams will come true

as long as love another day

I another try to make it through

another chance for me and you.

And now we must go on

and go our separate ways

with the strength of our past teaching

we can bring another day woooah.

I know its time to let you go

One last chance to let you know

Even though we're far apart

You will always be in my heart

I know its time to say goodbye

so many reasons at this time.

So many memories inside

so many tears in my eyes

As another day passes by

i.give.mie.lyfe.to.You.

2005-02-11T23:36:00.000-08:00

In a world which on turning

With a hope of another day

A love that kept the good times

We were just kids at play

And through the warm of the summer sun

or a chill from the winter breeze

We have too much fun

and now its just a memory.
And now we must go on

and go our separate ways

with the strength of our past teaching

we can bring another day woooah.

I know its time to let you go

One last chance to let you know

Even though we're far apart

You will always be in my heart

I know its time to say goodbye

so many reasons at this time.

So many memories inside

so many tears in my eyes

As another day passes by.

So here we are

One last chance to give

I know we will make it through

as long as we stand by each other
All our dreams will come true

as long as love another day

I another try to make it through

another chance for me and you.

And now we must go on

and go our separate ways

with the strength of our past teaching

we can bring another day woooah.

I know its time to let you go

One last chance to let you know

Even though we're far apart

You will always be in my heart

I know its time to say goodbye

so many reasons at this time.

So many memories inside

so many tears in my eyes

As another day passes by

scarss.

2005-02-10T13:38:00.000-08:00

aiightss. ((= i finally got tha photos uploaded! im happy noww. tha links are all underr icon photoss which are underr tha linkss to all mie darlinkss blogss. so keep scrolling downn on the right to get to it. -beamss

oohs, i was talkin to gordon tiu 4 plus am in tha mornin ytd. crazyy. talkin to eu is really like signing up fer laughter medicine. madd. eu must be drunkk mann! ahahhas. had really loadsaa funn with eu. talked with him and it ended up on a rough note, so i kinda msged gordon and he called. i was surprised. but hey gordon, thanks. owe eu one. eu made mie night! -nodss hahahas.

ling's flying off next sunday. and i know im gonna cry. its like, we spent quite alot of tyme together since she came back. she really did help mie in alot of decisions i was stuck on. im really gonna miss her like crazyy. mie dear bitchhmatee. i loveee eu loadsssa chocolate chip cookies! ): ill miss eu. -poutss

i wanted to write a letter to eu aft we hung down ytd. but i tried starting and i didnt get anywhere. i didnt know what to write. all was said. i didnt know where to start, i thought we finished. but somehw we arent are we? and i tried writing but i found that we donte write to each other. its not us. we always talked things out face to face. so i really cldnt get mieself to write anything downn. and even if i did, it'd be writing to mieself. its different. and i felt likee tha tymes i was writing to amos. no, its no s'pposed to be that feeling. i cldnt write to eu. email, yea probablyy. but no letters. i dnte like writing letters. i stopped writing them ages ago.

and i gt this frm someone's blogg which brings back memoriess.

"scars.

she found a way to control her pain

but no one will understand

so she hides her arms

from viewing eyes

to avoid all the hurtful remarks

the scars left behind will remind her

of the pain she went through

all the pain built up inside

it only relieves the pain

for a few simple seconds

so she'll do it again and again

but the pain won't fade

they will never know what she has done

never know the pain she felt

unless they gaze upon the marks

the excuses she will try to make

just to keep her secret safe"

all.tha.best.

2005-02-09T23:47:00.000-08:00

aiights everyone.here's eur HAPPY NEW YR. so donte say i didnt msg eu cush im writin it here fer all eu peeps. anywayys. i have to specially thank gordon, mie fashion stylistt, a beeeeeg huge thank eu fer keepin mie company ytd. and shoppin with mie. and helpin with mie selection of clothess. eu rawk on bro!. ((= anwys, i was quite frantic. cush i only realised we were gonna hafta get our new yr clothes ytd. daddy only told mie we were gonna celebrate new yr ytd! -roarssss so i was rushin here and thereee lookin fer clothes. and i saw a toga at isetann. aiightss! ((= its pinks! with loadsaa flowerss. i loveee itt! i was a happy gurl ytd. so thanks gordonn! okae! enough bout new yr. -poutss its boring. and i aint got money enough to fly to sans frans.

aiights. i serioussly miss mie class noww. -poutss and i cante wait fer vdayy. reallyyyyyy! i wonder whyie. esp since i aint got any vday dates. maybe its cush im askin fer NO vday dates. i dunno. =/

stiu rmb last yr vday he told mie it aint much of a beeg deal. cush as long as eu love someone everyday with all eur heart, vday wldnt have to be an exception.

i miss him.

i think he's with someonee. i wunder who. hahahs. ((= so here's wishing eu all tha best with her aiights? have a blessed and lovely vday with her on monday ya? huggs.

and i realise everyone's breaking up right noww. everyonee. funny. pple breaking up. lurfve starts with a smile. cntinues with a kiss. and ends with tears. im glad im over mine. i dnte wanna give it all up to someone on vday just cush i wann someone to forget mie. i dnte want to. someone asked mie whyie i had to be so hard on mieself. i guess i grew up this way. i grew up without much love. im yearning for love. and i thought i hadd love. but i realised that love cld go as easily as it came when he threw it all away. i miss him. really. but he's gone. and im. stiu arnd.

eu know, i guess in spite of mie daily im a perfect gurl shieet, im really not all that. maybe eure rightt. i just wanna keep making eu jealous over and over agin. and all tha lies just to get eu to forget mie. crazily enough, it aint gonna help. or so eu say. maybe ignorin eu's tha best ideaa. but i cante do thatt. im not done with eu. eure not done with mie. there's so much to talk abt. i haven met eu. i want to meet eu. and i wanna talk abt us. -nodds. i really want to. where's we gone to? thanks for teaching mie parts and parcels of mie lyfee. i wonte ferget eu. ((= for now, just so eu know, eu stiu mean loads to mie. and nw im wunderinn, will i be jealouss if some other gurl crosses eur path and enterss eur lyfee? perhaps. but i dnte really care. cush eure no longer minee. i gave eu up. so all tha best with whoeverr's tha new gurll. have a hellofa tyme with emm. it'll be better than being with mie. i assureee eu. i really caused eu loadssaa painn, and hurtt. all tha nonsensee, tha 'mysterious' gurll eu yearned to knoww but i nvr got arnd tellin eu who i really am. neither do eu knoww. there's much more bout mie eu stiu donte know. i donte wann to tell eu. i think eure sick of all these mind games. and im sorry. but its okaee. cause im sick of all eur lies and pretencee. every night i go to bed with tearss in mie eyess. every mornin i wake upp with a smilee on mie facee. every nightt the truth hits. every mornin its pretence tyme. eu realise that donte eu? every night we alwayss hurt. we always give tha truth. and every morning, we always pretend nth ever happened at night. smth's tellin mie i gotta let eu go, cause i know eure nvr comin back. funny hw i so wanted to tell eu i love eu. call eu mie baby. and before hittin on send, ill always erase those words. ill nvr changee being tha blurr 6 yr old gurll. and i hope eu nvr change being tha mature 17 yr old guyy. i wish eu all tha best...

Lately I've been trying
To fill up my days since you're gone.
The speed of love is blinding,
And I didn't know how to hold on.
My mind won't clear.
I'm out of tears.
My heart's got no room left inside.
How many dreams will end?
How long can I pretend?
How many times will love pass me by,
Until I find you again?
Will the arms of hope surround me?
Will time be a fairweather friend?
Should I call out to angels,
Or just drink myself sober again?
I can't hide, it's true.
I still burn for you.
Your memory just won't let me go.
How many dreams will end?
How long can I pretend?
How many times will love pass me by,
Until I find you again?
I'd hold you tighter,
Closer than ever before.
Yeah.
No flame would burn brighter,
If I could touch you once more,
Hold you once more.
How many dreams will end?
How long can I pretend?
How many times will love pass me by,
Till I find you again?
Till I find you again . . .

eu.will.nvr.know.

2005-02-05T01:12:00.000-08:00

suddenly, i feel that ive got super alot of great friends. ((= and i feel that there a number of guys. i feel so lucky. i feel so great. ive got mie freedom. ive nvr felt so happy before. and A06, im so sorry guys. i tried mie best.

but as i was lookin at tha ring muh dearr darlinkk cheryl and i bought together, our so called engagement ring. i noticed the ring in mie wallet. it was always there. the ring and the photo. of someone who i used to share mie life with. it was always a closed photo. i dunno whyie i stiu keep it. i just have them with mie all the tyme. and somehw, some part of mie opened tha box i placed all OUR stuff. and tha smell of the sweet red candle eu bought when eu went fer eur band competition in england. it was overwhelming. the letters, the drawings eu used to do. goofy. i stiu slp with him every night. hahha. what a past we used to share. snoopy. i so wonder hw he is. -smiles and all tha wonderful tymes we had together. and tears start falling too. hahhas. crazily enough. mie weird mind. i guess i was nvr really done with eu. just kept pushin thoughts of eu away. but when it all comes rolling back, tha feeling's stiu somewhere hidden deep down.

its a half yr now. plus minus. and suddenly i missed eu. wanted to msg, wanted to call. but i nvr had tha guts to. eu hate mie donte eu? eu stiu hate tha pressure and whatsoever i put eu thru. but im not tha same as before. and i know that mie chance is gone. im just a lil too late.

our memories
they can be inviting
but some are altogether
mighty frightening

even after all these tymes, eure stiu tha one. always were.

but amos, eu will nvr know.

-poutss

2005-01-29T17:51:00.000-08:00

im super angry noww. im so angry i can just cry noww. -screammms! DADDY'S THA MEANEST MONSTER AROUND! -poutsss -criess . we saw this superrrr cute doggy lost and hungry. and i so wanted to bring it home. ))= im so angrrY! i feel liek bashin tha daylight outta him. how can anyone be so superr heartless! ))= im never gonna forgive him!

IM NEVER GONNA FORGIVE YOU!

its.just.at.tha.spd.of.sound.

2005-01-27T20:24:00.000-08:00

im really happy today. -beamss

i received a parcel frm dwi. he's tha best. he got mie tha rose i wanted. eu rawk dwi! -smwahhs. and even though we've broken up, i want eu to know that ill only accpet it from eu. -nodss

i miss eu. and eur letter. goshh. so sickeningly sweet. -blearghhs! hahahahas. really. and too many things eu shld have told mie then. really. -sighss.

eure just simply sweet. thankss fer tha ubremely long letter. ((= and fer tha rose. esp tha rose. i really din have money to get it. thankss. eure really tha one. if not fer eur fam. ah wells. anyways, this break up really doin us both good ya? hahhas. i really donte have to care much bout eur fam and all. im really free. thankss fer udstanding. eure really great. hopes eu find a great gurll too. hahhahs.

thanks again fer tha rose dwi. alwayss.

heart.breaker.

2005-01-25T23:02:00.000-08:00

im just sittin here. waiting. i donte know for what. but i feel im waiting for something to happen. slowly waiting. anticipating. crazy. madness. then now i feel liek crying. im thinkin of all that we used to do. my best friend's gone. n as much as we say we'll still talk to each other on the phone which we do, no doubt bout that. but is the feeling still there? eu were mie best friend. now? i feel us dying. i feel eure gone. we talk. but wuts tha content? things have changed. im not the same. eure not the same too. every night after talking with eu i feel the tears. i really feel them rush down. i always seem to wanna end tha conversation with eu, always saying im tired. but truth is i really cant bear tha fact we're drifting from each other. its so obvious, over the phone. tha way we talk. we aint got tyme fer each other. we donte really feel tha way we say we feel. its so forced. its so accepted to prevent hurting anyone else. but whats tha truth. whyie donte we accept tha truth instead of forcin ourselves to accept smth not true? i donte wanna let us die. but like eu not being brave ennough to stay, i donte think im brave enough to go thru this tough tide with eu. ive lost euu. i lost eu longg tymee ago. am i ever gonna get eu back?

gawd. im sorry. this really isnt werkin out is it. keep tellin mieself ill just carry on. crap. phuckin crap. esp when i know i cante. i stiu phuckin blame eu fer not stayinn. just goin. really i do. and i really hate eu.

missin'.pple.

2005-01-17T22:44:00.000-08:00

he said in his entry tha only tyme he kept his promise was tha night we got together. maybe we only got together BECAUSE he kept his promise. somehow, promises, to guys, its nothing much, no beeg deal. but to a girl. its perhaps everything. he asked mie to promise his smth before, but i nvr got arnd to doing it. i wonder if he realises it. i cldnt ever bring muhself to do it. i broke promises to amos. i donte wanna break em to eu*. it hurts. eu know it too. eur parents, eu sister. how many promises have they broken? and eu learn from them. i detest them. eu know i look down on them. donte do it anymore. its bad. its wrong. eu cante keep a promise, eu donte make one. ive learnt this. its tyme eu learnt it too. i miss eu thou. ))= call when eu can muh friendd. sighss. and its also not fair that i keep blamin eu fer everything. i guess i play a part in this whole situation we are in now. i feel really screwed. no matter wut, i always come to tha conclusion eure muh only one. somehow, eure tha one who can just uds wut im saying. i mean, even if eu donte, we're stiu engagin in a conversation. eu just seem to be tha only person. but is it right to stiu hold on? no, do we want to stiu hold on? or are we just indirectly forcin ourselves to hold on. i donte wanna let go yet. but maybe its tyme? we say we can werk thangs out. but, how long more?

my monday tymetable sarks luhhs. its muh long day. sighss. but i love muh class. seriously. pple liek ahmad, jerome, judy... ahhahahs. they really rawk manns. ((= i love being with emm! wheeee~! and mie pe teaccher. well, he's damn nice luhhs. but trng liek super strict luhhs. ughss. -groanss

hmmms. i miss gen!! ))= gen, if eure readin this, i miss eu tons of honey waffles kisses. sighss. i shall go visit eu one of these days k? msg mie or smth babee! i loveeee eu!

Broken this fragile thing now

And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces

And I've thrown my words all around

But I can't, I can't give you a reason
I feel so broken up (so broken up)

And I give up (I give up)

I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do

You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down

And I can't, I can't hold on for too long

Ran my whole life in the ground

And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
And something's breaking up (breaking up)

I feel like giving up (like giving up)

I won't walk out until you know

Here I go so dishonestly

Leave a note for you my only one

And I know you can see right through me

So let me go and you will find someone

it's.okae.

2005-01-16T20:56:00.000-08:00

today i realised that death and lyfe are so near yet so far. some school teacher in my primary school passed away. and i just find it unbearably confusing. i just saw him and heard frm him a few weeks ago. and now. now he's not even around. i finally realise that pple can just go so easily. that i shld treasure every single one even those im not close to everyday. i donte wanna lose em so easily.

hahhahas. i finally have music in mie blog. ahss. i love tha song. and tha lyrics. its damn nice luhhs!. whheeee! -beamss

dwi. im sorry. im tryin man. dammit. but i donte seem to be able to succeed. damm. i dunno eu anymore. its weird. eu dunno mie anymore too. and eu know, if eu really want mie. it really dusnt matter if we're together or if we break up right now. cush eu know ill go back to eu if i want to next tyme. and vice versa. so there really aint any beeg deal. wuts more, we both have tha memories we share. good tymes, bad tymes. and tha best part, dwi, is that i know eull always be around fer mie, and likewise. i know that no matter wut, even if i say goodbye right now, and leave us both in tears, i can just call eu up and talk to eu liek a normal friend. we'd both want that. and i know we'd both do that willingly. im missing eu dwi. but im missing eu as a friend. eu know, now euve left, i really feel that sense of freedom. liek. i can breathe. i can go out with anyone at anytyme without thinkin whether eull be okae with it or not. eu cante do anythin. neither wld i know wut eure doing there. i need that freedom. i needed that so badly. and now its here. ive nvr felt better in my entire lyfe. im enjoyin, im happy. in fact, i love this kinda feeling so much. ive made more new friends, i really am happy this way. i thought that after eu leave things wldnt be alryte at all. i was stiu self deluded. i cld only see part of tha picture. but now eure not arnd, i reflect back ALONE, MYSELF, and i realise tha beeg picture isnt as it seems to be. its totally different.

this song in muh blog is just fer eu*.

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is

Answer no, to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, your not listening
Now, cant you see somethings missing
You forget where the heart is...

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, its okay..

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is..

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay..

Its ok to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no ones around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend..

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay..
It's okay It's okay

i.love.ya'll.loads.

2005-01-16T00:00:00.000-08:00

rc idol today. i haven seen thosee beautifull darlinkks fer so long. i have missed eu guyss! all of eu.! i love yall! ((=

went to make luc's poster today. ((= hahahs. LUCAS! if eure readin this. eu better hang up that poster in eur room! and look at it everyday. hahahhas. as in EVERY SINGLE DAY! hahahhas. eu did really well tonight. im serious. join solo next yr. eure DEFINITELY gonna win. and ill go vote more tymes fer eu mans! eu rawkk lucc! RCIY LOVES EU! -smuahhx

had a real great tyme with rod and tim and steph today. ahaha. but tha guys were seriously tryin super hard to get mie pic! -roarss. and in tha end each had 4 pics of mie! ROD ! i haven taken pic with eu yeet! -roarss. steph wore a skirt todayy! she looks so sweeet! muh dear darling. hahahhahhs. WOOTS! i bet she's rollin her eyes right noww.

ahhahaha. ooh. and I DONTE KNOW was superr hott! ((= i loveedd their song. and i LOVED their guitarist. he's just liek so hot. hahahha. woooots! and he's got that shy shy face. hahahs. so cutee. hahahs. simplyy him`.

anyways, here's to alex, jeremy. thanks guys, so much fer sendin mie home ytd. eu guys rawkkk! ((= -smuahxx. and jeremyy! give us backk our changee! ahhahhas. david, tha splashin of water really wasnt a good idea. esp when eu threw it at mie. eu sark. seriously. jerk. get a life.

hongwen, believe eu can do it! -winkss i got faith in eu. take it slowly, one step at a tyme. dammit. please have more confidence in eurselff! -roarss and here's to eu gettin to sailin'. eu MUST okae? eu really MUST. pleaseeee. and eure seriously not fat luhhs.

i love muh OG. i love sirius. and i love A06. eu guys there all rawk. i lovee risen christ peeps.! i missed eu guys tons of honey waffle kisses!. i love ya'll! ((=

amazing. i donte really need anyone right now. even when i get emotional. perhaps tha reason whyie i donte need anyone is cush im not emotional anymore. somehow, withou eu* arnd, things are slowly being wut they shld always have been. we shldnt have ever been together. it was never right. after amos left i shld have been alone. single. and it's startin now. im enjoyin it. seriously i am. finally i am? rod, eure wrong. tha song emotional by diana degarmo? it dusnt apply to mie anymore. im not who i used to be. ive changed. and im happy this way. im stronger.

I don't need to be anything other

Than a prison guard's son

I don't need to be anything other

Than a specialist's son

I don't have to be anyone other

Than the birth of two souls in one

Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from

*I don't want to be

Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

All I have to do

Is think of me and I have peace of mind

I'm tired of looking 'round rooms

Wondering what I've got to do

Or who I'm supposed to be

I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn

I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn

I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn

Am I the only one who noticed?

I can't be the only one who's learned

>Can I have everyone's attention please?

If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave

I came from the mountain

The crust of creation

My whole situtaion-made from clay to stone

And now I'm telling everybody

ps: to eu boy. i donte know wtf happened btw eu and her or wutsoevar. i donte know whyie tha hell eu went where eu went just now with whoever. but i just want eu to not give a hoot bout wut others think bout eu. iits not impt. eu donte have to care. let em think wut they wanna think. so what? to hell with em. they donte know no shieet. but i know eu. maybe not v well. but im eur friend. and ill stick up fer eu. rmb that no one in this phuckin' world can bring eu down except eur self. i haven seen eu nor heard frm eu fer so long. but wut eu sent mie this aftnoon. if eu ever wanna do it again, talk bout stuff, vent eur frustrations wutsoevar. eu know mie house add, eu know mie phone number. ill always be here fer eu.

goodbye.and.all.tha.best.

2005-01-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

this song's fer eu*:

It's only fiction that causes all the sparks.
They come between us and blow the world apart.
It's only tension that I can't diffuse.
You really made you mark,
I've still got the bruise.
And now there's nothing left,
just another twisted wreck,
with love like Semtex.
Like a dud fire work that goes off in your face,
we should have lit the sky,
but we burnt down the whole place.
And now there's nothing left,
just another twisted wreck,
with love like Semtex.
More like a letter bomb blast than a valentine card,
with love like Semtex.
And now there's nothing left,
just another twisted wreck,
with love like Semtex.
More like a letter bomb blast than a valentine card,
with love like Semtex.
Goodbye and all the best, with love like Semtex.

when.eu*.hold.mie.close,.look.mie.in.e.eyes.and.whisper.to.mie.

2005-01-11T18:35:00.000-08:00

guess college. it aint really all that bad. many interesting stuff.

and i met this guy. hmmms. he reminds mie of ydna. i wonder how he's been. i passed his house today while goin to tm. i miss him. i guess. just suddenly. but this guy in sch. yea. same character. ((= 'nice knowin eu' too.

winkss.

eu* called lasst night. eu* called this morning. eu* donte have to call everyday. its freakin ex. and its freakin not easy tryin to save up and having to spend money on all these calls. i mean. its not that i donte wanna hear eu or whatsoever. its just that i cant bear seein eu werk so hard and lettin all that cash drain away.

funny. eu know who i really really am jealous of? i shall tell eu* when eu* call again. she's got everything she wants. she's everything i truly really am. but eu wonte know. bcush eu* cante accept mie that way. grrr.

-roarss

im so tired of being mie.

-smirkzx

[dancin; mama//]

i.want.eu*.back.right.now.

2005-01-11T00:10:00.001-08:00

i guess to everyone im alryte. like i look alryte. i sound alryte. i act alryte. i say im alryte. but liek he once wrote in his blog 'but dammit acting realli fucking kills. yea.. so it's like.. fuck.. i dunno. we say oni.. say any cocks oso can say..but r we realli doing it? fuck this whole shit man.. i wished, it all never happened.'

yea. i was just surfing arnd, and i decided to read his past entries. and somehow or rather. i miss him. then i just started tearing. crazy huhs. i donte show it to anyone. not even ling. but when im all alone i just start crying. sounds so dumb. as if crying helps one bit. but tha tears just start flowing. at night ill just wake up in tha middle of tha night crying.

i always thought that he'd be arnd for mie no matter what. his presence used to be ever so comforting. seriously. ive always wanted a beeg brother. a brother. someone to take care of mie so i didnt have to be oldest in tha family. and it happened. but like its said, He gives eu a present, He can take it away from eu too. but those times he was arnd for mie. it really seemed like my life was so much better. not much quarrels with my parents, no sadistic thoughts whatsoever. even if i wanna beer, daddy wld let me do so willingly. even mommy wld let me come home at 11plus, 12am. they trusted him. and so did i. he took care of me. my house was his second home. my dad was his 'counsellor'. everyone in this whole place loved him. even eric. he spent all his tyme with me. it was his choice.

perhaps too much of his tyme that i took him for granted, even feeling that it was irritating havin him arnd. but others have not much to say cush they took him for granted too. and all this while he just wanted to spend as much time as possible with mie. why cldnt i see that earlier? why didnt i know him earlier? why was i so scared? all tha while i was trying my best to be prevvent anymore hurt that i missed tha fact that he cld help me. i refused to listen to anyone. even him. one door closed behind me and it took me far too long to realise another was widely opened, just waiting for me. god. i feel so dumb. and now he's gone.

he says gone for now. he says he'll come back. say only. say any cock can also say. sounds familiar huhs. but i know he wonte. all this tyme i was right. i wldnt be wrong on this too. but even though i know he wonte im stiu believin he will. its so stupid. i mean, look at his future. all planned out for him. he dusnt even have to worry bout anything at all. he's rich anyways. worry bout wut. whyd he come back? there's nth left for him here.

except memories. and i know no matter how hard he tries, he can nvr erase em. neither can i. i so much wanna go reach out to him, stop him, hugg him and nvr let go. i wanna tell him how much he means to me. i wanna let him know how thankful i am for everything he did. but i wonte have another chance to meet him aggain.

its impossible luhhs. number of cute hotties in college but im not attracted to any of em. ha. i always laugh at that. a few yrs back, a few months ago, id prolly be head over heels. but right now. right now i feel like i only miss him. i only think bout him. its crap. suddenly like i cannot find anyone as great as him. or rather anyone who loves me more than he did.

every day im looking forward to his call. every day im looking forward to hearing his voice, to just talk to him the way i used to. so little tyme. so much to say. i once told him i didnt liek face to face talks. but he changed that fer mie. now i aint got no chance. no matter how much i want to. just to reach out, look him in tha face. hell.

eu* act brave. eu act like eu donte care bout this whole thing. eu act happy eu say eure okae. eu act normal. eure trying eur best to. fool others. eu cante get pass mie. my house was eur second home. donte forget that. donte forget wut was written on eur blog. 'but dammit acting realli fucking kills.' if it does, whyie do eu keep forcing eurself to do it. its tearing me apart. ive given up on whatever pride. perhaps thats the only reason whyie im stiu goin strong. for how long, im not sure. give up on eur pride. eu donte need it. it'll kill eu too.

this is wut eu told mie too. 'dammit.. something just made me want to type this. anytime u want me back.. i'll always be there. I mean it'.

i want eu back right now. will eu be arnd?

Every night I hear you cry

Don't you wanna tell me why

I'm afraid of waking up without you

Maybe I misunderstand but when

I reach and touch your hand

I can't feel you anymore

You seem a million miles away from me tonight

Baby but I'm right beside you

*Talk to me

That's what my love is here for

Can't stand to see those tears in your eyes

I'd do anything that takes to make it right

Baby

Talk to me

Even if it's just to say goodbye

Whatever's so hard to say

Whatever makes you turn away

Can't be any worse than I imagine

You gotta tell me what you need from me

To hold you close or set you free

Coz' I just wanna see you smile again

But I can't help you if you keep me in the dark

Open up your breaking heart and

I don't know how to ease the pain you're going through

Baby tell me what to do

Talk to me

That's what my love is here for

Can't stand to see those tears in your eyes

I'd do anything that takes to make it right

Should I hold you close so set you free to fly

Baby

Talk to me

Even if it's just to say goodbye

i.want.eu*.back.right.now.

2005-01-11T00:10:00.000-08:00

Every night I hear you cry

Don't you wanna tell me why

I'm afraid of waking up without you

Maybe I misunderstand but when

I reach and touch your hand

I can't feel you anymore

You seem a million miles away from me tonight

Baby but I'm right beside you

*Talk to me

That's what my love is here for

Can't stand to see those tears in your eyes

I'd do anything that takes to make it right

Baby

Talk to me

Even if it's just to say goodbye

Whatever's so hard to say

Whatever makes you turn away

Can't be any worse than I imagine

You gotta tell me what you need from me

To hold you close or set you free

Coz' I just wanna see you smile again

But I can't help you if you keep me in the dark

Open up your breaking heart and

I don't know how to ease the pain you're going through

Baby tell me what to do

Talk to me

That's what my love is here for

Can't stand to see those tears in your eyes

I'd do anything that takes to make it right

Should I hold you close so set you free to fly

Baby

Talk to me

Even if it's just to say goodbye

butterfly.kisses.

2005-01-06T22:47:00.001-08:00

hmmms. im glad he's got his life back. ((= really i am. hopess eu guys lastt loooonnnnnng! ((= yays!!

i miss going to lorong J. ))= i miss tha playgrnd we used to hang out at. i miss tha crazy screamy bike rides eu used to cycle. hahhas. i miss tha gay pizza guy we used to call. i miss tha tears, laughter, hugs we used to share. i miss tha omelette with chesse eu used to make! i miss tha sushi and apple chips we used to eat. i miss tha bullyin and teasin i used to get from eu. i miss biting eu! hehs. i miss messing up eur room. i miss cookin with eu! i miss all tha sweet bitter sour salty times we shared. i miss tha wakin up and goin to slp butterfly kisses. i miss talkin in chinese with eu! i miss beering with eu. i miss tha run after tha cab in tha rain sessions with eu.
i just miss eu. really badly.

goodnight dear. sleep well.

-butterfly kisses-

butterfly.kisses.

2005-01-06T22:47:00.000-08:00

cuts.to.scars.to.free.DIY.tattoo.

2005-01-03T23:00:00.000-08:00

ps. i saw this guy's blog. COOL SHIEETT`! goshh. im jealous. its soooo super niceee! ((= got pictures of his arm. he cut his arm and his wrist there. its like his arm just got loads and loads and loads of cuts. yea. SO COOOL! its really alot lorhs. from elbow all tha way to tha hand. then his wrist cut 'pain' and 'need you'. super niceeee. ((= im lovin it`! imagine after tha wounds heal. crap arse. he got like scars of tha wordd! shit arse freakin tattoo! FOC! crap shieet`..! damn freakin nice! -beamss

HMMMMMMMMMMS...................................

its got mie thinkin'. -winkss.

ah, mie dear split personality. eure coming back. ughhs!. confusion, temptation, seduction, weak. im being made a weaklin'. save miee.

bad.dae.

2005-01-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

crazily alone. its killing mie. yes. being in JC is totally different from sec sch. there are liek super alot of cute hot guys. and there are so many things eu can do, sch rules are so lac. but i feel so. crap. i mean, it is fun luhhs. but liek, t hell with it luhhs. dusnt really rawk that much luhhs. and i just kinda miss tha freaks. A TEENY WEENY BIT!. yea. ONLY a lil bit. and tha cute hot guys. gees. i mean, the one i met is an arsehole. yea. but tha OGLs are okae luhhs.

and jos uhhs. eure right bout one point. its ULTRA boring. and waking up early just fer school sarks to hell. yea. eu lucky arseee... wake up so late! -roarss

im really tired. and i feel really dead. like super no interest in anything. i dunno whyie. and i was thinking if dwi were arnd everything wld be so much better. like my life wldnt be so, so screw`d? walking back alone, i can picture tha tymes we cycled down tha streets. and i miss eu. yea. thats bout it. alot too. and i hate missing eu! - roars dwi eur parents really sark know. to hell with em luhhssss... -roarss

-criess-

bad day. im feeling sad okae? and jos donte eu dare laugh eu mean arse. -roarss

ps. dwi donte lock ur entries anymore luhhs. yea. and go update our blogg.

Toung-tied, wrist wrist, and wanting

Looks like you might bite, you might bite

Breathin in, breathin out, you're weakened

The poison's hit your mind, your mind.

Time's ticking and its got ya thinking,

You're happy with your life, your life

You're cheated, slated and singled out by all those chains that bind, that bind

Take a trip, plane my way lately

Cause now you are mine, you are mine

This airplane's goin my way cause now you're bound and tied

You're bound and tied

Now sit and reflect on all the fame

Time to dim your light, your light

Zoomin in, zoomin out, you're questioning,

For that there is no crime, no crime

You're cheated, slated and singled out, by all those chains that bind, that bind

Take a trip plane my way lately

Cause now you are mine, you are mine

This airplane's goin my way

Cause now you're bound and tied

You're bound and tied

And we fly...we fly...we fly

And we fly...and we fly....away, away

Bound and tied, bound and tied

You're Bound and tied

Bound and tied, bound and tied

You're Bound and tied

Bound and tied, bound and tied

You're Bound and tied

gamee!.

2005-01-02T14:06:00.000-08:00

mie new yr's resolutions :

buy new clothess! ((=
try to be a good girl.
grow at least till 163 or 165cm!
keep up tha every fri. vegetarian thinggy.
have funn while studyin and werkin'
be happy and less emotional.
be a dancin queen! ((=
have faith and hope always.
be God's good gurrl.

so eu guys, please help mie live up to these few resolutionss. ((=

im game for 2005. are eu?

muh.regards.

2005-01-01T02:44:00.000-08:00

happy new year everyone. yea, stay happy this new yr. and have ur dreams come true.

to eu jos -- im really happy for eu. finally found ur life back, finally got who eu always wanted. and sorted all the mess out. well, alls well that ends well. so im glad all of us are back to who we were. and we are happy people! ((= yea. im sorry fer all the crap that happened btw us. but i have to confess luhhs, im glad we both turned back ytd so we cld like leave things without any regrets and leave with a smile on our faces. things cleared, case closed. and as always, i wanna let eu know that eu gotta a friend if eu need one.

to my dear darlingg cousin, ling -- i love eu so muchh! thanks fer spending so much time with me during this holidae, for ur advices on things happening btw me and dwi, reflections on how i shld have settled things and all. when i needed someone most, eu were there fer me all the time. and thats sth i really really appreciate from tha bottom of my heart. ive never felt so udstooded before. i guess cush eu have been thru wut im goin thru now, and eu uds everything. thanks so much gurll. i love eu babe. hope eu and jon stay steady always. keep tha faith babee! ((=

to rod -- hey lil bro. thanks fer being arnd when i needed someone to kill and tease and all. winkss. and learn from me. eu really are a charm. my sis will learn to love eu the day she starts to open up herself, the day when she learns to uds who she really is. if eu keep the faith and hope like dwi did, i believe shell be touched by eu. eu remind me so much of dwi and thus i say eu go learn from him. he impressed me. eu got loads to learn. winkss. and im not biasedd!

to ced -- yea, eu cry but rmb that eu when eu finish eu become stronger ya? if not itll just be self-pity. eull pull thru this. belive in urself.

to amos -- hey dude. yea. still rmb me? funny thing, i just read ur letters. the ones we scanned thru computer. hehs. well, ive let bygones be bygones much to ur relieve i guess. but thru our relationship ive learnt so much about myself. more than i cld ever imagine. and i have only eu to thank. thank eu so much for hurting me and letting me fall. unexpected huh. but seriously and sincerely, thank eu for that. because only from that i learnt to be a stronger person, ive learnt to be closer to Him and ive learnt not to be so vulnerable. so amos, here's to eu having the greatest girl eull ever find. and perhaps one day, just one day ill see eu again ya. at tha usual place.

lastly to dwi -- hey dear, whatever status we are holding onto now, i donte really care anymore. it isnt impt to me. i just hope that eu learn to be happy in wherever eull be soon. study hard, and donte compromise on ur priorities. sometimes darling, donte listen to ur heart. cush itll cause more hurt than eu can ever imagine. being with eu every single day and night the past few months, the memories mean so much to me. i love eu. really i do. i mean, yea. there's sth called email! or letters! or phone call! and eu know my numberr! so, yea. ill stiu be here. im always here. and will always be here for eu ok? no matter what happens. im ur angel. and im sorry i hurt eu once. but so did eu and i guess we're quits. anyways, please pass me ur add in wherever eull be living cush if im stoppin college, ill prolly grab my savings and catch a plane over there. ((= i miss eu baby. i do. euve stiu not come online this whole day and im still praying eure coming back. crazy 6 yr old thought. but that was how eu always thought of me. that was who eu love. and im still me. i cant ever change me. this will who i will always be. this will who eull always love. so whenever any doubt crosses ur mind, donte ever forget this comforting fact. no matter how much eu think ive changed, this 6 yr old girl will always be here. ill always be here. i wonte change fer eu. i donte have to. despite how i look, or how many piercings i have, or what i wear. dear, whats most impt stiu comes from the inside. and i stiu love eu. and ur cooking, ur taking real great care of me. because for once, ive met someone who loves me more than i cld ever love myself. and eu taught me things i cld never ever have learnt from anyone else cush eu showed me. eu made me believe in myself cush eu believed in me. eu let me have faith and hope right now cush eu kept the faith and the hope burning thruout our darkest moments. eu taught me how to perservere and never give up by never letting go even thou i was the meanest arse ever to eu. and that i know no one else in this whole world wld ever do. thou eu broke many broken promises and its MANY. esp the most impt one, tell me im stupid to love eu. say it. i kept telling myself that. but i realised i cldnt find anyone else who'd ever love me as much as eu did. too many things we went thru together, never failing to give each other support. we were always known as eu giving in so much to me. that was the way others always felt bout us. but eu nvr cared bout em. now i uds why and im learning. but i think ill stop pooling for tha tyme being. i THINK. cush there'll be no one else givin in to me or to teach me. winkss.

eull always be in my heart baby, no matter what happens. i love eu.

(Usher)

I was all alone,

I was feelin rather low,

I needed someone to, lift my spirits up

So I dropped in on a dance, just to take a glance

And there this lovely thing was, she was more than enough

I asked her for her hand

Said would you like to dance?

So pleased that I had asked, she quickly took my hand

And we danced and fell in love, on a slow jam....

Ohhhhhh

(Chorus)

Play another slow jam, this time make it sweet

On a slow jam, for my baby and, me yeah

Play another slow jam, this time make it sweet

On a slow jam, for my baby and for me yeah

(Chorus)

(Monica)

Seems what you say is true, I feel the same way too

See I've waited all night long, just to dance with you

And when you touched my hand, I knew you were the man

To turn my world around, and make my, dreams come true

The magic in your eyes, made me realize

That everything I feel, has got to be real

And we danced and fell in love, on a slow jam

(Chorus)

(Usher)

Ive been tryna find someone who

I could give my good lovin to

Never ever did I dream I'd find someone..

yeah

(Monica)

I've been trying to find someone too

I prayed to heaven, and then I found you

(Usher and Monica)

I swear I fell in love the night you....

danced into my heart

(Chorus)

On a slow jam, Can I get a slow slow jam?

Play another slow jam

Are you gonna slow jam?

(Chorus til fade)

this song's for eu baby. eull love it. i promise.

theguycatcher

bye.bye.

misses.

narcissist freak.

baby.its.al.because.o.yu.

im.right.here.waitin'.

.

poot.

confessions of a lil gurll.

dnte.yu.know.i.l.yu.

wake.upp.pls.

(((((((((((:

hw.long.

pple.cry.

you.are.jush.too.late.again.

fuck.that.bitch.pls.

fuzzy.wuzzy.

badd.gurll.

you.

love.

unsure.

aftermathh.

reflections.

nvr.had.a.mother's.love.

smokin.

past.and.present.

40.kinds.of.feelins'.inside.of.mie.

i.wanna.scream.

yu.hurt.mie.

we.grow.t.sin.

i.<3.him.

; lost .

eull.always.be.in.mie.mind.

i.l.yu.

i.swear.im.sickk.

its.yu.

i.donte.know.who.i.am

[[:

takkairss.

confus`d.

love.izzah.

bliss.

talk.to.mie.

mie.first.puff.

boy i was wrong.

__o__n' //

]]:

whoooppiee`____________

[[:

gurll in tha mirror.

i.jush.wanna.cry.

i.<3.you.

]]:

hear.mie.out.pls.

...

come.on.over.baby.

thank.you.

day.

eu.and.mie.

alan.and.samuel.

book.mie.please.

book.mie.please.

book.mie.please.

bad.week.

eure.impt.to.mie.

a.day.with.gen.

baby.gurll.

ill.stand.by.you.

i.lurfhvee.eu,.

find.mie.

let.mie.go.

im.good.at.pool.[[:

mie.bitchy.day.

a.night.out.

over.fer.good.

i.give.mie.lyfe.to.You.

i.give.mie.lyfe.to.You.

scarss.

all.tha.best.

eu.will.nvr.know.

on' //